Terror Tour 2/13/2007

What can you really say about Portland? The show was pretty good…for Portland. The downside is we played a real venue, not the Reed College Ping Pong Room, like we did in 2005. I didn’t run into any weird liberal hippy women on bicycles chastising me about Tsunamis; which has happened before in that fine city. It is the home of Nike Athletic Footwear. I don’t really want to delve much deeper, it’s just too depressing.

Terror Tour 2/12/2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISHA!

We escaped death and arrived in Seattle at 4am. I was too tired to go into the motel and slept in the van. This is becoming an epidemic.

We got up, went to a bank, and went to the mall that we always go to when we are in Seattle. There was some serious construction going on in the mall and the entire food court was out of commission. How do you have a mall without a food court? A pretzel stand does not constitute as a food court. Remember life before pretzel sticks, when all you could get was the huge pretzels? Whack.

It was Misha’s birthday, so he walked around and pretended like he was going to buy something. Of course, he didn’t.

For the 3rd straight time at this mall, Terror got "rockegnized". I love when people just tell you who you are and what you are doing. "You are in Terror and you are playing at Graceland tonight!" No, we just happened to be in Seattle walking around a shitty mall without a food court.

The only good thing about the mall was a lot of fair looking broads walking around in fuck me boots and oversized sweaters with their asses hanging out the bottom. Since everything sucked there, except the girls with the boots and butts, we went to the Olive Garden. Frank 3 gun and I have shared many a meal at that particular location, so it brought back some memories. Hold your head Frank, Terror (yes, all members) still loves you.

Jim Hesketh from Champion came to join us for lunch and told us about his new band that he is doing. They are playing soon, so be on the lookout for that. He also told us about his job at Whole Foods. Does every hardcore dude work at Whole Foods? Dumb.

I bought Misha lunch for his birthday. He described it as “Bomb.”

We got to the club and found out that All Shall Perish had cancelled due to the singer having an asthma attack. Wait, it was convenient that he had an asthma attack right after Salt Lake City which allowed them to skip Portland and Seattle and go straight to San Francisco (their hood).

Furious Styles were nice enough to open the show in ASP’s place. They covered “State of the World Address…Motherfucka!” They just dropped an album on Hand of Hope Records; check it out.

There were many hot girls at the show and many more sloppy drunk “go big” broads that were falling (literally) down the steps of the merch area and having their floppy funbags do just that; flop. I tried to hook Misha up with a really drunk slob, but she ended up being too crazy in the end.

Joe Garimbone, celebrity merchandiser, was in Seattle waiting for his next tour of duty to start. Joe is a hardcore/merchandising legend and is responsible for teaching me most of what I know. It was great to see him and I hope he has fun watching Chiodos (the 2nd worst band in rock music behind Trivium) everyday.

The show was absolutely intense. Stagedives, stagedives, stagedives. One of the best Terror shows in Seattle, ever.

After the show, we went back to the motel. Misha brought a friend. She was drunk, but she wasn’t half bad looking. LADIES, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? I give up.

The rest of us watched “Ego Trip’s: The White Rapper Show.” Persia had to go home. Although she possesses the most skill, she always fumbled during crunch time. Buske had a crush on her. Weird dude. We love Johnny and Persia though, and I believe they will both have successful careers.

Terror Tour 2/11/2007

Terror Tour 2/11/2007

After an exhausting night of animal porn, I awoke to Misha exclaiming, "FUCK!" Yes, I share a bed with Misha on occasion. His nickname used to be "Freesha Ownbed" due to his penchant for never paying for anything and being a bed hog. I guess he was upset because he needed to deposit money in the bank but realized it was Sunday. We told him that you can just go up to the ATM and deposit money into it. Moments later, we noticed Misha putting money into a business sized envelope and asking us, "So all you have to do is write your name on it? How do they know it's yours? I don't want to do this I don't really trust machines."

I don't know what is scarier, thinking that you can just put a business size envelope with the name MISHA scrawled on it in crayon into an ATM and expect it to somehow magically find your account or believing that machines are going to take over the earth and they should not be trusted.

I know that Cyberdyne Laboratories are up to no good and that Skynet became self aware on August 29, 1997 and attempted to wage a nuclear war with mankind. Here is the good news though, Misha: we have John Conner on our side, and I expect by the year 2029 for him to have successfully won the war against our mechanical enemies.

We began our 12 hour drive to Seattle and made it ¼ mile down the road and had to stop for food. We went to Carl's JR. (Hardees for my Midwest/Eastcoast family). Buske is on the fakest diet ever. If eating mint chocolate chip milkshakes at Carl's and then trying to buy ice cream every 2 hours at gas station stops is dieting, then he is doing a smashup job.

Misha didn't stop at Carl's. He went to Taco Bell because you can buy stuff for 99 cents there. One time Misha charged 99 cents on a credit card. The previous night in the motel room, Buske told Misha that the ONLY good thing he has going for him is that he is a "cheap bastard".

Misha got a double decker taco. I didn't know they still made those things. I remember when they first came out though Hakeem Olaujawan and Shaquille O'Neal were featured in the commercials. They were supposed to play a 1 on 1 Pay-Per View televised pickup game at the Taj Mahal in Las Vegas. It never happened. Why did I include this? I just wanted you to know that I have a vast knowledge of things that are dumb, scare girls away, and get me nowhere.

During the tumultuous van ride, BIG DOUG did a strong amount of farting. When someone farts, everyone makes the usual "ughhhhh" noises and puts their shirts over their noses, but the strange part comes when the people who haven't gotten the scent of the fart start taking long drawn out and gigantic breaths of air up their nose to confirm that said fart smells disgusting. I think we can just take the other 5-6 people who have already smelled the odor's word for it from here on out.

We stopped at a Red Robin in Boise, ID for dinner because Texas Roadhouse had an hour wait. Our very large waitress tried to solicit us her phone number. However, she never specified to whom she wanted to give it. She also kept saying, "Rock and Roll," which sucked. I guess she would have gotten plowed by any or all of us. Too bad we weren't staying in Boise for the night.

Nick Jett drives very fast. I will not lie, sometimes it is scary. There was a rain coming down and we were going through mountains but he was still going 90. Adding to the danger of the conditions, we are pulling thousands of pounds of equipment, or L B's if you are Patrick Kitzel, for example: "a 1 / 4 L B Burger" which would be pronounced, "A one four ell bee burger." I love ESL's.

At a gas station stop, I told him that I was frightened for my life and he should just slow down. 20 minutes later he was going 90 again and asked if it was ok because it was no longer raining. This continued throughout the day, with Nick texting while driving down 6% downgrades. Buske made some phone calls to say his final goodbyes. BIG DOUG awoke from his slumber and buckled in, and I turned around to look at Scott. I don't know why I wanted Scott Vogel to be the last thing I saw before I died, I just thought it would be better to look at him than watch us fly off of a cliff.

Nick caught wind of our scared whispers in between his 7 hours of phone calls that he took throughout the day, and really took it the wrong way. He was very upset that we were criticizing his driving and told us he is the safest driver of the lot. He said that he is scared when anyone else drives. I understand being scared of anything that Misha does, but Scott and I drive 45 mph on an open road.

Do you know how sometimes when you drive for an extended amount of time throughout the night you become delusional? I think Nick was suffering from such a condition. We made nice with Nick, but it was still frightening. On a side note, Nick does 95% of the driving and we definitely do appreciate him and all he does for Terror, which is immeasurable.

On a gas station stop, Misha bought some Lance brownies for 25 cents. Earlier in the day he refused to buy them because they were 75 cents. He said they reminded him of the brownies he used to eat in high school. So he is recounting memories of 2 weeks ago, I guess. He is the craziest eater ever. He gets so excited and just starts smiling from ear to ear. When questioned on what the brownies tasted like, Misha said, "They taste like a fucking …like a fucking, um good ass brownie." The Wu said it best, "Can it be all so simple?"

Terror Tour 2/10/2007

"Here we go!", Buske yelled as he braced himself against the seat. I put my head down and closed my eyes readying myself. The rain was coming down as we slammed on our brakes and started skidding towards an impending crash with the car that just pulled out in front of us, passing traffic on our left, and a telephone pole on our right… More on that later…

The day started out less perilous with an enjoyable 9 hour drive to Salt Lake City. We got onto talking about Mormons on the drive and Martin was telling me that when they die they get their own planet and the first Mormon walked to Salt Lake with a Unicorn. This will all come into play later.

We also took bets on how many people would be at the show. We recently played with Unearth and Bleeding Through in SLC and 400 people paid. That tour was doing anywhere between 700-1000 people at every other show. Misha's guess was 350. Yeah. We had previously placed bets on first week sales of Killswitch Engage and Hatebreed albums. Misha's guesses were always at least 50,000 – 200,000 off. Confused child.

We arrived at the venue at 5 o'clock. Our fearless tour manager, Fat Juggs Hernandez, was apparently misinformed because the first band was actually playing at 5. So much for me being able to spend a minimum of 2 hours organizing the trailer and restocking merch like I had originally planned.

The show ended up being great! It was easily the best show I have ever been to in Salt Lake City! That is happening a lot on this tour and we all couldn't be any happier!

We ended up going to The Texas Roadhouse for a post show party with the whole tour (minus Stick To Your Guns who are still broken down in Florida). During the short drive from the club to the restaurant a car pulled out in front us. They must have decided it was ok to continue going 15 mph when a van pulling thousands of pounds of equipment is speeding at them going 60mph.

Nick reacted quickly, but the whole van started to jackknife on the slippery surface. Straightening it out only pushed the van dangerously close to a telephone pole. Nick managed to somehow turn into a parking lot and avoid hitting ANYTHING! We couldn't believe it. We all had to sit there for a minute to catch our breath.

Upon arrival to the restaurant, I asked Erika, our hostess, if she was Mormon. Of course she was, so I asked her if she is married to a man with multiple wives and if she plans on receiving her own planet upon death. I guess I was misinformed because this broad looked at me like I had 4 heads, turned bright red, and ran and hid behind the hostess stand! Oh well, at least I still got it with the ladies!

The cinnamon butter at Texas Roadhouse is unreal! A few people bought Misha a steak because his birthday was coming up. I overheard Buske on the phone refer to himself as "Johnny the Pooper". It was creepy.

We checked into a motel and I downloaded the new 50 Cent diss by Cam'ron. Cam really didn't lay into him to hard. How crazy was the Hot 97 phone call? "Curtiiiiiiiiiiiissssss! Curtiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss!" Cam has completely lost his fucking mind. Thankfully Jimmy called in later to cool things over and explain his love scenes in the upcoming movie, "Thugs' Passion", comparing it to "9 ½ Weeks" and comparing himself to Mickey Rourke. Scary. Jim has lost his fucking mind as well. Definitely check out the youtube.com video of Cam calling into Hot 97. The dude needs to go on another vacay to the Bahamas, and ditch some piranhas because he is fading from reality fast.

I also checked out the Kim Kardashian sex tape with Ray-J. Who is Ray-J besides Brandy's brother and guest host of BET's "The Center", you ask? Remember "Wait a Minute" from the summer of 2001 which featured Lil Kim? You don't? "I'm from the land of women, sunny days, chrome spinnin', It's on tonight!" Pharrell was in the video. Still nothing, huh? Well, it was definitely a hit for my brother and I, and received regular play in the basement of 804 Sherman Street.

In the video, Ray-J pisses on Kim, not the "Wait a Minute" video, the actual sex video. Black people love to pee on people! I don't think Martin does. Martin doesn't even eat pork products or lick girl's buttholes so I doubt he goes the yellow discipline route.

Kim Kardashian is the new Paris. She is famous for being famous and is now starring in a sextape which I am sure is horrible. At least it isn't in nightvision.

We got to the motel and all started nerding out for a little while...suddenly, David's Limewire folder showed up on everyone's I-Tunes. He must have been a guest at the hotel. He had no music in his folder, but he sure had a lot of creepy animal porn. Does seeing a dog going down on a girl really turn you on? It didn't turn us on. What? We had to at least check it out and see.

Terror Tour 2/9/2007

I was too tired to go into the hotel room once we arrived in Denver. I slept in the van until 10 am. I rounded up a few others and we went to a nearby Denny's. There, we force-fed Misha 3 pancakes, 2 slices of French toast, 6 pieces of bacon, 3 pieces of sausage, 2 eggs, and hashbrowns. We don't really care if he gains weight, we just all think it is funny to watch him eat due to his insane mannerisms and his use of the word, "Bomb" to describe food.

While driving, we noticed a very short midget dancing on the street corner with a cardboard sign. I have nothing against little people, but this was downright degrading. In addition to being vertically challenged, it looked like she had Progeria. Progeria is Scott and my favorite disease because it is so regularly featured on Maury. And you thought he only did "You are NOT the father!" shows. I love when Maury says that they are very special young people and tells them that not only are they getting a skateboard, they are getting skateboarding lessons from Tony Hawk!!!!!

Before the show started, I received an 18 box shipment of merch. Wait, you still want to tour with a band? Getting 18 dumb boxes full of stupid t-shirts means that you have to go through all 18 boxes, count everything in them, and then try to find room for them in your trailer amongst all the band's gear, all your personal belongings ( I pack like a girl), and all the merch you already have in stock. FUN STUFF!

Maris the Great (Maristhegreat.com) was at the show. Maris is a very tall mohawked man who dresses up as a homosexual zombie and walks around hardcore shows. He does a website where he "kills" bands with some impressive makeup work. He once asked if he could suck Scott's dick. I don't think Scott took to kindly to that. Myke from District 9 beat him up once. Myke was also banned from this show. How classic was Cesar from District 9 in the N.Y.H.C. documentary?

Maris licked my hand and I got fake blood all over me. It was definitely unsanitary. I don't mind the whole gay thing (most people think I am at least bi due to my incessant talk of dicks), I actually mind the zombie thing. If you walk around your whole life pretending to be a zombie, you are essentially a zombie. It is just weird to me and makes me question Maris's upbringing.

The show was AWESOME! The best Terror show in Colorado ever. After the show we went to the motel room and caught the re-run of the "White Rapper Show". BUSHWHICK GUEST APPEARANCE! The Geto Boys are an all time favorite and it was dope to see that little creep get some love. Serch gave Sullee every opportunity to end the whole Stop Snitchin' epidemic and he just failed.

After our dose of reality television (which also included that weird show, "Bad Girl's Club"), we tried to order pizza. Papa John's refused to deliver the pizza due to the area we were staying in allegedly being quite dangerous. Martin was incensced! He actually didn't even want to eat pizza, but he grabbed the phone from Nick and over the course of 5 minutes said such gems as, "Listen, you aren't going to punish us because of where we are staying. We are faced with a problem and you are going to give us a solution. Stop being a pussy! You are the worst manager I have ever come in contact with! I know what it is like, I once had a friend who got shot in his balls because he was delivering a pizza in the wrong neighborhood. What are you going to do? HUH?" Needless to say, we didn't get pizza that night.

Terror Tour 2/8/2007

The club in Tulsa,OK was pretty damn big. I don't think Iron Maiden would have had a sellout at that place. Sworn Against opened up the show. They brought along their boy; Cootie Ray. Needless to say, He ruled.

After the show we had a 9 hour drive to Colorado. We obviously don't care about being alive, because we let Misha drive 7 hours in the ice and snow. I slept between the 2 benches on the floor and couldn't move for a few hours afterwards. It is a glamorous life.

Terror Tour 2/7/2007

2/7/07

Today was another long and dumb drive to Shreveport, Louisiana. This was originally supposed to be an off day, but due to the cancellation of last week's show, we added this one. All the other bands were playing the show, so we jumped on as well.

When we arrived the promoter said that it might be a rough turnout because Wednesday is a big church night in the area for the demographic he was targeting, which was age 14. Terror is huge in Southern middle schools.

This show wasn't packed but it was a lot of fun. There were some pre-pubescent girls dancing on the stage during Terror, some of the worst and weirdest slow motion moshing in recorded history, and some vegan chili, which "Johnny likey!"

Most online Vogelisms (DUMB) are fake, but I will give you a real one, "…Whether you have a big giant dick or a gaping pussy between your legs…"

Martin posted a lengthier update on this day over at his online BLAAAHHHG... guttermagic.blogspot.com