Friday, May 2, 2008

Ozzfest '07 Remembered

Ozzfest 2007 allowed me to do many things. I got to meet some professional wrestlers, football players and c-list actors, eat great catering, sweat outside in the sun for a minimum of 12 hours a day, and most importantly I got to interact with some of the best people in Middle America.

I saw pregnant woman guzzling beer out of $9 souvenir whalebone glasses, new born babies literally dying, projectile vomiting (male and female), stampeding crowds (RIP Hatebreed Merch Table), women in sports-bras with coverall shorts, shameless displays of obesity, and bad dental plans.

Tons of shirtless men (and women) allow you to do some great tattoo spotting! Some of my favorites included: 2 PePe le Pew tattoos (1 on a man), tons of swastika tattoos (my favorite wearer of the swazi tat also had a tattoo of TRU, the New Orleans rap supergroup containing Master P, Silkk The Shocker, and C-Murder, he obviously didn't get the memo that those three gentlemen are not white), 2 tattoos that read, "Trust No Bitch", and both of the men that had them were definitely holding hands with a ... well, bitch.

*** "Do you know Hatebreed?"
"Yeah, I work for them."
"Can you call them for me? Can you call Jamey Jasta for me, man?"
"Bro, why would I call them?"
"Because, that pit is fucking bullshit, and I need them to make sure it gets going!"

***A guy walked up to the giant red HATEBREED tent (where it is clearly spelled out to you 4 times in that classic flaming lower case old english font) and said, “Hateblood, huh? Y’all got any stickers?” Then this great Wisconsinite walked to the Behemoth tent next to me and said, “Hellmouth? Do Y’all got any stickers?”

***“Where are the fuckin’ Kiss shirts at man?”

***“I see you got a shirt that says, FUCK YOU! I LIKE HATEBREED. Where are the shirts that say, FUCK YOU! I LIKE OZZY?"

I replied sarcastically, "They are on the back of the "FUCK YOU! I LIKE HATEBREED" shirts."

"Really? I'll take one in a 3x."

***“Is Hatebreed going to be making an appearance today, man?”

“Yeah, they sign at Jager at 2:30 and FYE at 4:15.”

“OK, so they are going to be signing, but are they going to be playing, man?”

“Bro, what do you think, I am standing in a tent full of their merch.”

“Well, maybe they just sell it here; it doesn’t mean they are playing.

***“Hatebreed…I want to get one of those shirts for my brother, man. He is prejudice.”

“The band isn’t into that stuff, actually.”

“Oh, it’s a band? I just thought it was a racist clothing line, nevermind."

Thank you Ozzy. Thank you Sharon.