A Long Winded Run On.

Look all the way to the right.

As I sat in a loading dock beneath the Hard Rock Café Casino in Las Vegas, with $50 dollars in my pocket that wasn’t there when I woke up that morning, it all momentarily made sense. I sat Indian style on a road case and watched 9 men adorn their half naked bodies with mountains of latex and fiberglass. I know that might sound like an everyday activity for me, but this time it was a bit more special.

I was able to feel the camaraderie as grown men from Virginia …er…I mean, Antarctica by way of outerspace, changed into GWAR right in front of my eyes. This was always the step that I had missed. I had seen them during the day; I had seen them during their performance but I was normally too busy to see the actual transformation occur. For 20 plus years they have gotten to experience those 30 minutes together everyday, and it really meant something for me to be a part of it, even if it was for only one evening.

It brought back to mind the first time I saw Scott Vogel of Terror readying himself for a performance. He was shadowboxing in a dark New Jersey room, adjacent to the stage, with a boombox on the floor blaring classic NY hardcore and Hip Hop. The band’s intro hit, he immediately stopped, and was handed a mic. I remember thinking that this dude really is as intense offstage as he is on it. That show was stopped after three songs due to the 15 fights that occurred in those 6 minutes. Scott was definitely able to rile up a crowd. He was definitely able to rile me up as well. We both proved that a few days later as we almost got into our first of a few physical altercations with each other; but those are different stories that Kitzel would probably want me to post in some zine of his.

It also made me think of being in Europe with Hatebreed. Joking with everyone backstage, then walking onstage alongside them to face tens of thousands of people at a different European metal fest every day for 5 weeks. Laughing with Sean one minute, then watching him turn into an unbridled reverse head banging machine the next. Yes, walking onstage with Hatebreed is cool; but it is obviously cooler to do the same thing with New York’s Rider Man. (See Previous Entry).

I take so many things for granted, but it is moments like these that truly put it into perspective. I have stood on all corners of the earth with people who do nothing more than yell really loud into a microphone. Something so dumb has taken me so far. Something so dumb means so much.


I recently read a blog post by Blacklisted. Their roadie, Chucky, shares his thoughts about being on the road. He seemed so excited to be a part of something that it reminded me of the first tours that I was ever on. His enthusiasm is a stark contrast to the complete lack of excitement I currently carry with me. It wasn't always like this. His post made me think of that first Terror tour where I was bruised from stagediving every night over huge barricades, where we were stopping at a gas station every 4 hours, buying tons of candy, and eating pizza every night with 5 people who would become close friends. Although I was 23 at the time, I was living like a 12 year old and I couldn’t have been happier.
I dropped out of college to go on that tour with Terror. I only wanted to do the one tour, but other things kept getting added. I was having such a great time, I just kept coming back... coming back for 15 straight months on the road. We had played shows alongside Unearth, The Black Dahlia Murder, Hatebreed, Sick Of It All, The Warriors, Comeback Kid, Modern Life is War, Madball, Throwdown, Everytime I Die, Gwar, Chimaira, Murphy’s Law, 100 Demons, Shadows Fall, Converge, Turbonegro, Donnybrook!, Outbreak, Dio, and Iron Maiden. Yes, THE Iron Maiden. I was even able to appear in their video for, “Keep Your Mouth Shut,” which according to the program director at MTV2 is the “worst music video of all time.” Not many people can say that, except for Lil Wayne and Baby after they made “Leather So Soft.” Weezy should NOT play air guitar.


After 7 US tours, 1 Canadian tour, 1 Puerto Rican tour, and 1 European tour, I was completely burnt out and jaded. I was angry at everyone in the band and myself. I left Terror for what I assumed would be the greener pastures of Throwdown. We embarked on a 2 month tour, and although I liked everyone in the band personally, I never got that same indescribable feeling that I got on those early Terror tours. I got $8,000 in merch money stolen from me in Arizona, $2000 of which I had to pay back, and upon the conclusion of the tour, I went home with no intention on ever returning to the road. I figured I could find better things to do than overdose on sugar and sleep on the floor of a moving van.

I went back to my old job at The Mortgage Zone, Inc. (R.I.P.) and became a licensed loan officer in 13 states. It really was as exciting as it sounds. I started going to bed early and getting up during normal hours. I did things that normal people did and celebrated such activities as I hadn’t been able to do them for almost 2 years. No one at my new job could understand what I used to do, and the few that did couldn’t understand why I would ever leave it. Some Holy Roller lady once said, “So it would be like me working for Amy Grant? That would be an absolute dream.” I had described my experiences to everyone as a nightmare, but statements like these made me reconsider.

Throughout that summer, I had mended a lot of the relationships with Terror that I had burned. I went to see them when they played in Cleveland and realized how much I missed being around them. I saw a new guy selling the merch (Fat Jugs Hernandez), and it really left a strange feeling in my stomach. I realized how easily replaceable I was and how I had possibly pissed away a great opportunity that many people would truly love to have. The night of that show, I remember telling Nick that I wanted to do 1 last tour and go out on my own terms.

I was unsure how the dynamic of the band would be because they had some lineup changes as Carl had left to make First Blood a full time band and Frank had gone on to join Hatebreed. What a resume he has: Ringworm, Integrity, Terror, and Hatebreed. Wow. Frank was the person who brought me on my first tour, and I had trouble imagining touring without he and Carl, yet I knew I still wanted to be back out there one last time.

Even though Frank and Carl were gone, I was excited to hang out with Martin and Buske; Terror’s newest members.

Martin was the guitarist who took Frank’s spot and was someone that I always enjoyed being around. He was the brain behind Donnybrook! and I always loved when Terror would play shows with them, Some of the most memorable Terror shows were with Donnybrook! and included such events as: Martin being stabbed by a bottle by a soundman in Baltimore, a riot in Central Cali involving one of our friends beating people up while wearing a Los Angeles Dodgers Poncho, and Martin’s brother, Dre, getting Scott so wasted that they would sleep in the van every night, even when they weren’t on tour.

Buske was someone that I met in the early 00’s when I used to post on his former band’s messageboard. I could tell from his posts that we had many similar interests. Actually I remember him from before that because he stagedove once and ripped the hood clean off my sweatshirt. Prick.

I remember he was playing a show in Erie, Pa and I E-convinced him to burn me a copy of the then unreleased Meraduer – Bluetality album. I saw him at the show wearing the first pair of Nike Shox (which were horrible) and some boot cut jeans which had a real strange cut to them, topped off with a sparkling new tech vest. Buske has always been fashion forward. He wanted me to get him an Integrity hooded sweatshirt for him in exchange. I never got it for him and we fell out of touch. Buske felt that I was “dissing” him during the next 2 years, but I just didn’t think his memory was as good as mine. I assumed he meets tons of people and just wouldn’t remember me. I was wrong. Buske still brings up that goddamn hoodie when he is piss drunk.


I quit my Mortgage job two weeks after my meeting with Nick and Terror, and was back on tour after being home for 6 straight months. The first shows we played were with the Gorilla Biscuits and Comeback Kid. I had talked a lot of shit throughout the years about bands reuniting, but GB made me eat my words. I had every intention on hating on them, but they just blew me away. Every member of the band and crew had so much fun on those 5 days that it cemented in my head that I had made the correct decision.

Unfortunately Martin couldn’t make those shows. His father passed away the night before the first day. I never told Martin how sorry I was for his loss, a loss that I can’t truly comprehend and hopefully won’t have to for some time. I had a whole speech mapped out in my head to let him now that I was riding with him, but the words never came out. This has happened to me repeatedly in my life. If I could only be half the person I am in my daydreams… In my dreams, I am a soap star, I am in my own band, I’m famous, I’m not an idiot in relationships, etc. I always have grandiose visions of things to say to people, things I need to do, and things to become the person that I want to be; however most of them are left on the cutting room floor. Hopefully Martin was able to see by my actions how important he is to me, even though I wasn’t able to vocalize it in his time of need.

Buske and I laid it out on the first day as he confronted me about not talking to him for a few years. I told him my side of the story and we were inseparable from that day forward. I loved hearing him talk about his twisted and terrifying masturbation stories from his youth. I really miss Martin and Buske.

After the GB shows, Terror headlined for a few weeks then joined up with Unearth and Bleeding Through for a 3 week tour. Half way through the tour, Scott got really sick and flew home. The rest of us were stuck in a hotel room in Texas with no idea what our next move was to be. This wouldn’t be the last time we would be stuck in a hotel room not knowing if it was the end, but once again, that is a story that doesn’t fit here, and may never fit anywhere. We decided to drive to New York and stay at Buske’s. We drove straight through the night and had the best time together for the 5 days until Scott returned. I really felt part of something again.

After the Terror tour, Frank came through on his promise and got me a job with Hatebreed. I had only wanted to do 1 final tour, but I thought this was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. He always said he was Cam and I was Jimmy and he would eventually get me out of 5-H. Years before he also told me, “I put you on and I can take you out whenever I please," so I guess you take the good with the bad.

I was touring with the biggest Hardcore band of all time and one of my best friends was actually in the band. It didn’t seem real. I juggled Hatebreed and Terror simultaneously for 6 months. It always seemed to work out that when one of them was on the road, the other wasn’t. I really got to have the best of both worlds. I got to hang out in shitty motels with my friends, then I got to go and be on some huge metal tour the next month and have great catering.

Earlier this year, I had to commit to Hatebreed due to their intense touring schedule that they had mapped out. The same thing that happened to me in 2005, started happening to me in 2007. I was getting aggravated by everyone and I just wanted to go home. This year alone, I have done 3 U.S tours (I am currently on my 4th), 1 UK Tour (w/ stops in Russia, Ukraine, and Israel), and 1 European festival tour. I figured that enough truly was enough.

After Ozzfest with Hatebreed, I wanted nothing but to lay in my brand new bed and not leave it for months; if ever. I had nothing lined up and wasn’t really concerned about it. I knew Terror would be touring in November and secretly hoped I would be free so I could go and eat shitty food and act ignorant with my friends. That dream died 2 and a half weeks into my stay at home when I got a phone call from Gwar. Gwar was going out for 12 weeks and needed somebody to accompany them.

This was the first time I ever went out with somebody that I didn’t know at all. It was a very intimidating thought, but I knew I had to do it. I am so thankful that I did and that brings me to the present. I'm in albany, Jizmak is my boss, and I hang out with slaves all day.

Although, this post was quite long, I really have only skimmed the surface. Writing this has triggered so many individual stories of people being passed out underneath the van in a dirty Florida street that it could end up being 30 more posts.

While on tour, I question my existence daily. I think I am wasting what’s left of my youth. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I feel old and young simultaneously. I have missed out on so many things by being gone. I haven’t had a relationship with a woman since 2004. I haven’t seen any episodes of Nip Tuck season 5. I can never keep up on Guiding Light or As the World Turns anymore because by the time I get home there are 10 new characters and 4 of my favorites have been replaced by even shittier daytime actors than the original ones that I had come to enjoy. I don’t know what the hell is going on in my life. I force myself to be in love with someone at all times. I am lonely. I want people to think that I hate everything. I do know that I wouldn’t trade any of these daily thoughts or situations for anything because sometimes you realize how lucky you are. Sometimes all it takes is a little peek of Antarctic alien ass to realize that you are really part of something special.

Jim Jones Has A Cheetah Print Neck Pillow and Other Tales from Norway.

Norway

We all readied ourselves for a crash landing. Here we were, thousands of feet in the air attempting to land at our Norwegian destination. There was just too much turbulence. We had to pull back up and try again. We all looked at each other in an “Almost Famous” type moment and just waited for someone to admit they were gay. Most people would have put their money on me spilling that; but I held out.

The small propeller plane was just being thrown throughout the air. Some people were praying, some people were clutching the seat in front of them, and others just buried their head in their hands. What was looking to be the last day of my life, turned out to be the greatest.

We eventually got the plane safely on the ground and boarded a shuttle to take us to the festival we were scheduled to play. We had been in Europe for over 2 weeks and played some of the biggest festivals that every country had to offer. We had played in front of hundreds of thousands of people and performed alongside: Ozzy, Korn, Megadeth, Motorhead, Converge, Unearth, Dropkick Murphys, Cannibal Corpse, Sick Of It All, As I Lay Dying, Mastodon, Machine Head, Black Label Society, Slayer, Suicidal Tendencies, Type O Negative, Life Of Agony, Velvet Revolver and countless others.

I had asked our sketchy German Tour Manager, Schlumpf (see previous entries), who was on the festival and he told me “Its just a bunch of bands who I have never heard of with names I can’t pronounce.” I just assumed they were all insane Norwegian Black Metal bands, who are into: severed pig heads, makeup, church burnings, black denim, and white Zack Morris era Converse high tops. I don’t mind any of those things separately, but I just wasn’t stoked to have them all in the same place on the same day when I am already in jail…a.k.a.: Europe.

We got to the hotel and our artist representative was there to meet us. She was looking over our schedule for the day and giving us our instructions. Looking over her shoulder (because I like to eavesdrop and be nosy about EVERYTHING that doesn’t directly concern me) I saw the artists set to appear for the day:

Jim Jones & Juelz Santana

Ludacris

Chamillionaire

Papoose

Wait! These were the “bands” that Schlumpf couldn’t pronounce? Are you fucking kidding me? Hatebreed is playing with the Harlem Diplomats in Norway?

I rushed to the fairgrounds to count in our merch and catch the events of the day. Papoose was scheduled to play at 3:30 but of course didn’t make it onstage till well after 4. Jamey and I were convinced he wasn’t showing up. He proved us wrong and more importantly, he proved to be a legitimate performer. He went through some of his mixtape standouts and then did 4 songs off of Nacirema Dream. Is that thing ever coming out? Im sure it will be out the same day as Cuban Linx II, Chinese Democracy, and The Greatest Story Never Told.

I was raised on such Texas rap pioneers as The Geto Boys and U.G.K. When the new wave of Texas rap erupted, I liked Slim Thug and a few of the others but slept on Chamillionaire. In a live setting, the dude seriously gets BUSY. He was NOT playing over a vocal track, he was performing whole songs, and he was working the crowd. This wasn’t a local gig for him…we were in fucking Norway, and he had every pale faced individual there claiming to ride dirty.

After Chamillionaire, Chris Bridges came out and broke into “#1 Spot”. A spot he has some credibility in claiming. He outshined everyone on the day. Ludacris has 5 albums out, with at least 3-5 hits per record. Needless to say, his set was packed with crowd favorites. I had to leave midway through his set to catch Hatebreed who was playing on a different stage.

Hatebreed hadn’t played Norway in over 5 years and we were all a bit worried about what was to come. 5 minutes before set time, which was well after Midnight, there was only 100 people in front of the stage. However, the second the band broke into “To The Threshold”, thousands of people had made their way over, to give the band one of their best responses of the tour. Afterwards, I think some of the kids were mistaking Jamey, Sean, Matt, Chris, and Frank for Paul, John, Ringo, George, and um…well…um; Jordan Knight because people were screaming and almost fainting when they went to meet all the fans.

After the set, I ran across the fairgrounds to catch Juelz and Jim who were set to go on at 12:30. It was well after 1 a.m. and no one was onstage. Jamey and I ran backstage and saw Jim Jones surrounded by an entourage exclusively fitted in ill fitting white t’s. If this was 2005, the ill fitting t’s would have touched their knees; but in 2007 the ill fitting t’s wouldn’t fit an anorexic gap model. Quite the turn of events. We had a video camera running and the gaggle of security gave us some dirty looks as they walked past. Jamey yelled, “Yo Jim!, It’s Jamey from Hatebreed.” Jim was at the steps to walk on the stage and turned around and gave us an even dirtier look. He took a few steps forward and said, “Did somebody just say Hatebreed?” He rockegnized Jamey and gave him some dap and then looked at me and said “ Is this your people?” When Jamey told him I was cool, Jim shook my hand.

Jim Jones shook my fucking hand…in Norway! Ha! I’m not some casual fan of “We Fly High” nor am I claiming to be down since Jimmy appeared in Cam’s “Horse and Carriage (with that white suit and amazing straightened hair),” but Jimmy is someone I definitely look up to and consider superhuman. He is one of the most exciting and quotable people in hip hop today. I remember first seeing the video for “Certified Gangsters” in 2004 on late night BET and being blown away. Since then I have given my life and money to the ‘Set and never looked back. Now, I am standing with Jim seconds before he is about to go onstage!

Jim looked into our camera and said “Yo, its your boy, Jones, New York’s rider man, One Eye, Capo Status, Mr. New York City, and whatever other nonsense Jimmy blabs before he spits a 16 and shouted some more nonsense about being down with Hatebreed (which he is through a few degrees of separation). Jamey and I just looked at each other dumbfounded, and just like that Jim turned and made his way towards the stage as his intro music had been playing during this entire exchange. Jim once again made it half way up the steps and turned around and saw us still standing there. He waved both of his arms for us to join him. Do I still need to set this up for you, Jim Jones is inviting us to walk him onstage alongside his entourage…in Norway.

Unfuckingbelievable.

Jamey and I positioned ourselves on stage right and watched Jim break into “Crunk Muzik” as thousands of Norwegians lost their minds. Jim went into a few more songs before cutting them off after a couple of bars. By this point, I was in such shock that I had completely forgotten that Juelz was supposed to be up there as well. Moments later, Juelz comes onstage looking like a fake Jimmy; which means he was wearing an extra medium T-shirt, a large skull belt buckle, a diamond encrusted wallet chain, and skintight pants which still left his entire ass exposed. In other words, he could have passed as “euro-trash.”

Jimmy and Juelz alternated between tracks from their respective solo catalogues and performed some songs from Diplomatic Immunity I and II. Even though they were cutting songs in half and performing over tracks over their own voices, the entire 45 minute set was surreal. They finally broke into “ Gangster Music“ and abruptly walked offstage, leaving the crowd of 20,000 fiending for more.

A day that I wasn’t looking forward to ended up being one of the greatest of my life. A day where we almost died ended up being filled with life. To think, we owe it all to a former New York City drug dealer. Dipset Bitch!

European Tour Part I

Can I bore you with stories of the Waterbury dirt mall, how confusing “Pirates III” was, why I have bought so many pairs of Air Jordans this year, a 10 hour flight to Copenhagen with no in flight movie, etc? There is truly no point. You know the drill by now.

We recently finished the Jagermeister and Monster Engergy Drink Present: Ladies night at the Monsters of Mayhem II tour Featuring: Hatebreed, God Forbid, Evergreen Terrace, Terror, The Acacia Strain, & After The Burial. It took us to some disgusting parts of the Midwest and Southern United States. The first 150 females over the age of 21 got in for free. Therefore, about 7 trolls and 2 hot chicks with boyfriends took advantage of this promotion everyday. It was just another tour, meaning that; it damaged personal relationships, forced me to not shower for days, and had me made me contemplate the rest of my life and how I am compromising whatever dignity I have left. Great times, plus Misha was there!

We are currently overseas performing at European Festivals. The first one was the Hultsfred Festival in Sweden. This thing was so fucking un organized that it made me yell at a sketchy German with a face tattoo. Sorry Schumpf! In retrospect, not a good idea!

We played on the first day of the fest and people were already disgusting! There was 30,000 people in attendance all camping out in little dome tents. By noon, people were covered in mud, missing shoes, and had written dumb things all over themselves in permanent marker. I am pretty positive these things are viewed like the prom to the Europeans, which means, a lot of people are fucking in those gross little tents.

Jamey and I wandered around the general population and scrounged up some Swedish Drones to purchase carnie vendor food. He just kept saying how sketchy the food was. That worried me because this is the kind of stuff that I eat everyday! We had hot dogs with garlic dressing which were put in a circular bun with a hollowed out center, disgusting cardboard pizza, hot donuts, and meat bread. Yes, meat bread. What is meat bread? Well, it is meat baked into bread.

I watched Converge and they were great once again. They mainly played selections off their last 3 albums but threw in ‘Forsaken’ for good measure. I then decided it would be a good idea to take a 4 hour afternoon nap.

I slept through Velvet Revolver, but got up in time to see Korn. Yes, Korn. They played songs from their entire catalog including, “I Did My Time”, “Got The Life”, “Somebody, Somewhere”, “Chutes And Ladders”, “Twisted Transistor”, “Falling Away From Me”, “Freak On A Leash”, and “Blind”. They only had 3 original members this time but had Joey from Slipknot filling in on drums.

Hatebreed went on at midnight. People were pretty dead at this point but still hung out late with America’s favorite hardcore band. Some of the Lamb of God guys showed up midway through the set w/ a member of Buske’s gang to catch the set. It was a huge party on the stage and a great way to close out the day.

After the show, Matt proceeded to get completely bombed and tell us about his personal favorite president, Franklin Delanor Roosevelt. Matt listed all his accomplishments, but failed to understand the relevancy when I asked if FDR enjoyed the company of naked ladies.

After Sweden, We flew into Finland to play a small show with Velvet Revolver and Patti Smith. Seriously.

On Sunday morning, we flew into the Netherlands and met back up with our bus. We arrived to the fields of rock festival pretty late due to all of our early morning traveling.

The lineup to the festival was insane! Backstage, I ran into Ozzy Osbourne, Munky and Fieldy of Korn, Slash, Life of Agony, Peter Steele (who looked taller than he did in PLAYGIRL), Dave Mustaine, Rob Flynn, Mike Clark (Suicidal Tendencies), Evan Seinfeld, Mikkey D from Motorhead and countless others. It was a pretty wild time. Frank actually got kicked out of the bathroom so Slash could take a shit by himself.

Before the show, Jamey and I talked about Biohazard for 2 hours. We talked about the oft slept on classic, New World Disorder and the 2 banger ballads that said disc contains. We started listening to Ill Blood by No Warning. Man, if the tail end sing along of track 4 doesn’t get you fired up; you aren’t alive.

I got to see Suicidal Tendencies for the first time in 9 years and they were great. The crowd was dead for them and Hatebreed, but I assume the masses in attendance were completely baked on hash.

Later on Zakk Wylde (Yeah, that Zakk Wylde) came on our bus and woke Wayne up by kissing him. Zakk is Wayne’s favorite guitar player of all time, so it was very cool to see it all go down.

Zakk said that he knows Hatebreed thinks he plays “piano Elton John shit” but he respects them and referred to our tour bus as a “box of sexiness.” Alcohol is one hell of a drug.

Destroy Everything - April 29th & 30th

Tel Aviv, Israel

The above isn’t a typo. We really went and played a show in Tel Aviv.

After Groezrock, we quickly went to a hotel and showered. The water that was building up in the shower was black and disgusting from all the dirt that had settled on our bodies throughout the day. We then immediately drove to Germany to board a plane to Israel.

It was 6 am and none of us had slept yet. What should you do in this situation? FIND A MCDONALDS! The golden arches had never shined brighter than they did on this fine morning. What is a good thing to eat at this hour? A fucking Mc-Rib. It’s back my friends. I normally hate McDonalds but nothing makes you feel more at home (for better or worse) than a microwaved artificial pork sandwich. God Bless America. Shame on Germany for their constant need to charge you for dipping sauces, though…

Touching down in Israel was a surreal experience. Applause rifled throughout the plane. You could tell that many passengers had been waiting their whole lives for this moment. There hadn’t been one day on this tour that Israel had not been mentioned and playing this show had really split the band. Some were excited and some were very upset but one thing that united us all was that NO ONE knew exactly what to expect.

We were greeted by the promoters of the show and they picked us up in 2 mini-vans. They were definitely younger than expected one of them was wearing a Terror shirt. I was scared to wear my “Peace in the Middle East” shirt, but a local was wearing a shirt that said TERROR on it? Amazing. Sitting in the back of the van, I saw palm trees, sunshine, and a beautiful cityscape. This is Israel?

We got to the hotel and I turned the TV on and they had American Vh1 and MTV. It was wonderful to be watching trash TV in a war torn country. Who doesn’t need to know about the 100 Sexiest Celebrity Hook-Ups?

I roomed with Wayne and we contemplated going to sleep (since we still hadn’t) for the 2 hours we had before load in, but we decided against it. I normally never venture outside of the club, but I realized that today was special and I really needed to take part in what was going on.

Our hotel was one block away from the Mediterranean Sea. It was gorgeous outside and the scenery was equally impressive. One thing we noticed was that people were just living their lives. A guy walking his dog, a fat girl with a Mohawk, people hanging out on the beach, it showed us how normal these people were. It was Sunday and we just imagined people being pissed that they had to go to work the next day. It was so far removed from what I had envisioned. By the beach there were memorials that detailed the history and struggles of the country’s people. That is when it really started to hit us. These people have been through so much. Not just what went on during the last one hundred years ago, but what they are going through now.

After my 2nd McDonalds visit of the day, We met the promoter to take us to the club. I told him how impressed I was with the country. I explained that all we see in America are bombings and war. He told us that is why it is so important for him to do this Hatebreed show, because people truly have to live each day as if it is their last. He said he never knows when it will all literally all explode.

The promoter explained to us that everyone has to enter the military for 2-3 years (depending on sex) upon their 18^th birthday. He told us that in a time of crisis ANY former member of the military may be called to active duty. Meaning, if Israel goes to war this summer, there is a good chance that the promoter of the show and many people attending it would be called upon to serve and probably die for their homeland. This show really was important and it meant something to these people that we cared enough about them to be there.

The club was dirty, dangerous, and amazing. It had multiple levels to it and looked like it would be in a movie. This was the kind of place Hollywood would have you believe all shows took place at. A huge cross section of people came to the show. Punks, Skinheads, Metalheads, Hardcore kids…you name it, they were there. No one here was too spoiled to miss the show. This was an event. This was a celebration of life.

All night kids would come up to me and just ask me questions. They wanted to know my thoughts about their country, they wanted to hear about America, they wanted to know about George Bush, American hardcore, my thoughts on Metallica’s “Load”, and anything else you could imagine. I never felt more honored to share my opinions and experiences with anyone.

The show was an afterthought at this point, but it was a fucking RAGER! Kids knew the words to every song and sang them until their voices gave out. I met some great people, and no one in the band or crew left that club the same way we entered it. We might have needed Israel more than it needed us.

We went back to the hotel and ate some great hummus before going to sleep for a few hours.
We were in Israel for 12 short hours before we were back in the familiar customs line at the airport. We once again got interrogated, but after 4 security checkpoints, we made it through.

The plane ride to NYC was just your typical 12 hour fare. So, it fucking sucked! I was in the middle seat and the woman next to me puts her seat all the way back before we even take off. The couple behind us were none too pleased. The man got up and reached over the woman sitting next to me and put her seat up. Then the woman next to me put it all the way back again. This brought the flight attendant over and he put her seat back up. This led to all 4 individuals standing up and screaming at each other in Hebrew. We hadn’t even taken off yet!

The band and I were definitely the only Americans on the flight. Everyone on the plane appeared to have never flown before. The fasten seat belt sign meant nothing to these people. The restrooms said OCCUPIED during takeoff. Sure enough, once we were coasting in the sky, someone exited the toilet. Takeoff is probably pretty interesting when you are sitting on an airplane shitter.

I couldn’t fall asleep with the woman next to me speaking jibberish and constantly elbowing me, so I watched 4 movies, including The Queen, The Pursuit of Happiness, Eragon (unwatchable), and Hollywoodland. The Kosher meal was disgusting and getting off the plane couldn’t come soon enough. During landing, someone got up just to throw something away. Lord knows you can’t land when someone is holding a piece of paper.

The strange behavior of the passengers on the airline spilled over to the baggage claim. This was easily one of the best parts of the entire tour. The customs line was so long that people’s bags kept continually going around the carousel. They started to pile up and bags began sticking out and clipping people standing close to them. They bags would then tumble off to the ground. We would run over and pick them up and just heave them on top of the already high piles. People noticed our aggressiveness and asked us to retrieve their bags for them. We were jumping on top of the carousel and grabbing people’s bags. When we would get our own we would throw them on the ground just to make a scene. Hey, it was a 12 hour plane ride; we needed something to get excited about. We were being loud; cheering on people who were getting their bags and yelling at others for grabbing the wrong ones. People were bumping into us and running our feet over with their luggage. Well, they were running over our feet until Beattie started kicking their bags. I guess nobody understands his humor.

At this time I looked over to notice Wayne was still carrying a strange looking object with a garbage bag wrapped around it. Wayne carried this Dimebag Darryl guitar for the entire tour. Jamey gave it to him at the airport on the first day to hold for him. Jamey needed to paint it for an auction, so he brought it with him to paint in his free time on the tour. Needless to say he never once touched the thing and Wayne was stuck with it for over 2 weeks. Wayne always gets the short end of the stick, but he is quitting to work for Rihanna, so fuck him anyways.

After a successful 17 day tour in multiple foreign countries, that included so many moments that will stick with us all for the remainder of our lives, we walked away into the sunset. Well, Frank and I actually just walked a mile to a different terminal with our luggage, re-checked it in and waited 3 hours, only to board another flight to reach our final destination of Cleveland...but it seemed like sunset nonetheless.

Destroy Everything - April 28th

Belgium

Happy Birthday Kyle Sinkler.

I woke up to horns blaring at us in Belgium. Jerry Don’t had the bus blocking an entire street. The day before in London, Jerry turned around in the middle of the highway (which took 15 minutes…seriously, and resembled the scene in the first Austin Powers involving the golf cart) and blocked traffic coming from both ways and hit a building and fucked the trailer up in the process. A city bus driver got out and was yelling at him…so Beattie got out and threatened him. The English do not seem to understand Beattie’s humor.

We got out of our 2^nd traffic pickle in as many days and headed to the Groezrock Festival. I was very excited for this show. It was sold out with more than 10,000 people in attendance and had some cool bands playing alongside Hatebreed. Terror, Converge, Ignite, Rise Against, The Lost Prophets, Jimmy Eat World, Tiger Army, Strung Out, and many others all played throughout the day.

The fest was held in a 2 tents in the middle of a dirt field. DUST WAS EVERYWHERE! It looked like a mushroom cloud of smoke, and I am sure it was good to be inhaling it all day. Well I guess it couldn’t be worse than the 2 cartons of cigarettes I have inhaled everynight at every single show. Thanks Europe. It was definitely a black booger day.

It was nice to be so far from home and run into friends in the bands and crews of Terror (yes Misha and Fat Jugs were there), Tiger Army (what up Albert?), Converge (How great is Nate?), Ignite (I don’t know them but their new album is awesome), etc. etc. etc.

I was happy to catch up with all the entire Terror family….even Misha. Buske left 2 pairs of shoes, and his stage clothes at a venue. He then bought a pair of shoes to replace the others, and left those at a venue too. All he had left to wear were sandals. “How is the king of NY rocking sandals with jeans?” Some bands borrow heads or cabinets everyday to play their set…To play his set, Buske has to seriously borrow someone’s shoes!

Frank and I had been keeping up on Terror’s European exploits through their video updates (available here). Needless to say; they could have filmed a lot more footage at this show with their actions.

I was swamped all day, but I managed to watch a few songs from Converge, Terror, and Ignite. Every band was absolutely inspiring. The energy and emotion that they not only bring but evoke from their fans is breathtaking. Converge’s live set has completely evolved. They played with a new tightness and urgency. Every member was doing something completely different than the other, making it impossible to focus on just one thing. Terror brought out true aggression in people and had them climbing tent poles and jumping off them onto the sea of heads below. Ignite probably had people in tears, because the audience was hanging on every word out of Zoli’s mouth and singing it back at a deafening level. Hatebreed did what they always do…DESTROYED! Standing on that stage sporadically throughout the day and witnessing 4 honest and completely different sounding bands deliver such important messages definitely gave me goosebumps. Yes, Scott Vogel, “It’s good to be alive.”

So After the show, Terror continued to get completely drunk (sans Nick Jett: ex. Carry On). They pulled down a 10 foot tall inflatable Jagermeister bottle and jumped on it like it like it was a trampoline. Later, someone said something out of line and BIG DOUG hit him with a Weber grill over the head! OUCH! Doug had to hideout because the police were there in no time. Thankfully, he reconnected with Terror later and everyone was ok…except for the guy who got hit in the head with the Weber grill.

Destroy Everything - April 25th, 26th, & 27th

Stoke
Newport
London

The Stoke and Newport shows were held in VERY small rooms that no one could believe Hatebreed would be playing. There was no barricade and they held around 400 people max. I would have killed to have seen the band in such an intimate setting. Well, I guess I did see them in that setting but I was dealing with people asking for the "black" Hatebreed shirt when the band was playing.

Wayne never understands why I am so mean to people. I had to explain to him that people just pointing and saying, “That one,” is like me walking into Wendy’s and saying, “I want to eat!” Listen, I need a value meal number and your side dish / beverage choice. Oh, and how the fuck am I supposed to hear you when “Doomsayer” is being blared in all of our eardrums?

Too bad I was in cotton purgatory because the last few shows compelled me to mosh and stage-dive. Well, maybe not mosh…have you seen people mosh lately? It’s disgusting.

I saw a skinhead today in a Norma Jean shirt. That was creepy.

Our bus driver wears Lancer shirts and we caught him watching a Hitler documentary.

Jamey has brought some interesting new moshcalls to this fair land, such as; “Put your cigarette out and get in that pit.” People even smoke in the Laundromat over here. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of cleaning your clothes? Dumb.

Someone just told me they are going to see the Spudmonsters in Cleveland. Wow, people over here are DEFINITELY 10 years behind. (On a side note; you should go to the show because RINGWORM & WISDOM IN CHAINS are opening.)

Before the London show, the band was scheduled to play live on the air for the Legendary BBC. It was surreal walking through the same hallways as, EVERY FAMOUS MUSICIAN...EVER. While they played, I sat in a waiting room with some young women on their lunchbreak They were watching an Austrailian soap opera that Kylie Minogue got her start on. It seemed pretty addicting. I am glad I don’t live there; it would just be another effeminate program that I would get addicted to. Up next came, Diagnosis Murder. Once again, people over here are 10 years behind. I took that opportunity to lay on a leather couch and go to sleep.

I think the only thing they are ahead on over here is admitting that all it takes to be famous is having huge tits. I love opening a standard newspaper and seeing unsheathed bosoms. Every magazine has topless women in it. It’s fantastic. Why lie and say, "so and so is such a humanitarian, or a great thespian, a great singer…." ,everyone knows broads are just famous because of their massive tits. Cheers.

The final UK show was a special show. It was held at Barfly in London. The band played to over 1,000 people on their last London visit. Today would be a bit different. The barfly has a max capacity of 150. They actually sold 250 tickets to the show, and mayhem ensued. Satisfaction is the Death of Desire was played in it's entirety in order.

Everyone in attendance, including the band really took something away from this show. I took away that I am sick of looking at tribal sleeves.

Playlist:

Betrayed – Consequence

Champion – Come Out Swinging

Destroy Everything - Tuesday, April 24th

Portsmouth

The bus was parked at a D-Day museum when we awoke. Beattie, Wayne, and I once again ventured out into the town. We saw a few huge dogs and a couple lesbians. We ate at a fake Americana styled restaurant that had terrible food. They did have ZZ-Top and Kiss murals on the walls though.

The show was easily the best one of the tour. Legendary guitar tech, Morretti came down to the show to hang out. He had an off day from Juliette and the Licks and was nice enough to bring us some inter-dimensional humor.

The last few days we have been hanging out with Moshachusetts openers, The Acacia Strain. The muscle-bound, “dude” saying, guitar player is amazing. He is a stereotypical jock movie character. The guy parties too. It will be fun hanging out with them on the upcoming U.S. run. I still don’t know his name. A few years ago I called him, “Murder Neck,” because he has a tattoo that says “murder” on…well, his neck. Now I just call him the “muscle-bound, “dude” saying, guitar player.

Destroy Everything - Monday, April 23rd

Brighton

The show was on the legendary Brighton Beach Boardwalk. We got there early and a few of us walked around. It was a dreary day, which made the mist coming off the English Channel that much more interesting to look at. In the distance we could see all of the old rollercoasters and other random amusement park rides of yesteryear.

I got to take a freezing cold shower, which would be great if I was trying to jerk off. I wasn’t. I didn’t realize until a few days later when the same thing kept happening to me, that you have to pull a string hanging from the ceiling to activate the hot water heater. Every shower that I have taken over here has made me feel more disgusting then when I entered it.

The UK may as well be Europe; because everyone smells over here, myself included.

Mickey Fitts came to the show and I got to talk to him for a while afterwards. That man has been a skinhead longer than I have been alive. It was definitely a surreal experience for me to sit there and shoot the shit with him about a myriad of subjects including our upcoming trip to Israel (as the Business had recently played there). He assured me that you CAN eat bacon there and drink beer. He promised that the girls were some of the most beautiful he has ever encountered. What a buzzkill! I had just been planning on getting blown up.

It was St. George’s Day and Frank definitely acted like a local and got completely BOMBED. He ended up leaving the parked bus at one point and we were worried he wasn’t going to make it back for bus call; if at all. Jamey got in a girl’s car and was driving on the wrong side of the road; well the wrong side in the UK at least, and was screaming Frank’s name out the window like he was a dog. 3 hours later Frank came stumbling home.

Destroy Everything - Sunday, April 22nd

Oxford

Although Liverpool described Oxford as “prissy college boys”, they showed up in force and went off. The club was disgustingly sweaty and there was a fire evacuation at the end of the show. The band played for an hour and a half and everyone had a good time. This was a show that I would have liked to have been at as a fan. Sometimes you lose sight of how lucky you are and what exactly it is that you are doing. Hearing songs that I grew up on, being played in a foreign country, in a room of excited kids, definitely helped me get a grasp on how fortunate I am.

Playlist:

Redman – Red Gone Wild (Thee Album)

Kreator – Pleasure To Kill

World Collapse – Deutschland, Deutschland…

Bane – Give Blood

Cannibal Corpse – Tomb Of The Mutilated

Various tracks from: Side by Side, L.I.O.N. Crew, Sick Of It All, Reach The Sky, Ghostface Killah, Outkast, Three 6 Mafia, Killswitch Engage, etc.

Destroy Everything - Saturday, April 21st

Liverpool

This tour should be called the truck stop tour, because everyday Jerry has us parked at one when we wake up. I had not showered since the off day in Exeter, so I begrudgingly used one at the gas station. GROSS. Normally, I wear flip flops into the shower, but of course I forgot them. Hey, at least I remembered 5 different hats; those are sure coming in handy. There was long black hair and dirt everywhere in the shower and the water kept shutting off every 20 seconds. I felt dirtier on my exit then I did on my arrival. It’s hard being a pretty boy on tour with heavy metal bands. Hell, it’s just flat out hard being a pretty boy.

There was a huge soccer match that day and everyone in the immediate vicinity had their Liverpool jerseys on. I guess the team ended up winning; that might explain the drunken stupidity of the locals.

Beattie and I walked around the city for a while. There was a cool street fair going on and some neat buildings to view. We saw a large war memorial and some gigantic statues. It would help if I had a digital camera to document all of this, but I like to be 5 years behind with technology. I didn’t have a DVD player until last year; so a digital camera is just mind-blowing at this point. I walked into a few sporting goods stores on a Jordan hunt. Everything is extremely expensive here. Air Max 95’s are the U.S. equivalent of $240. If you wear those here, you are definitely flossing. That is the only flossing they are doing, because their teeth are obviously not important to them. On the way back to the club we saw some street mimes that Beattie threatened to punch. Another day at the office for him.

When we got to the venue, we found out that 30 Seconds to Mars was also playing in the upstairs portion of the club. That would explain the long line of fat girls with fishnets on, and the emaciated boys with fingerless gloves and eyeliner. I actually got to watch a bit of their soundcheck. Not bad. I like the new song they have out. Am I a fag? No. Bi? Maybe. Beattie wanted to ask Jared Leto if it was his idea to have cornrows in “Panic Room.” I guess it really annoyed him.

The show was the best one of the tour to this point and everyone left pretty happy. The shows over here normally only have 2 bands on the bill. If only the U.S. could take notice.

After the show, Sean and Frank went looking for doner kabobs. At the first restaurant they went to, a soccer hooligan with a gigantic scar on his face took Frank’s hat off and put it on his head. Frank quickly took it back and they walked out to try a different spot. At the second doner kabob stand, a 40 year old woman started lifting up Sean’s shirt and taking pictures of his backpiece with her camera phone. Sean turned around, put his middle finger directly in the woman’s face, and screamed, “And this is supposed to be where civilization began!”

The English are a strange bunch. Then again, so is my 11 year old Jewish cousin who rides “ponies”, dresses like the Easter bunny and celebrates Christmas.

Destroy Everything - Friday, April 20th

Colchester

The show today was in a former church turned venue. It was definitely something to see. The band didn’t bring a backdrop on this tour, so a gigantic stained glass window served as one.

Frank has been asking everyone if they have gone “Number 3” lately. It is his way of giving a numerical value to the age old hobby of jacking off.

All we keep saying to eachother is “Pardon me Mum,” “Freshen your drink, govn’r?” and “Fancy a fuck?” all in our best English accents.

I know we are in ENGLAND and the language we speak is ENGLISH. Is this really how it’s supposed to sound? I can’t fucking understand a thing. Maybe I am just too distracted by everyone’s disgusting brown teeth that I am talking too.

Playlsit:

Ignite – Our Darkest Days

Clipse – Hell Hath No Fury

Destroy Everything - Thursday, April 19th

Northampton

The drive was only supposed to be an hour, but we ended up driving for over seven. I woke up and we were in fucking London. I guess we had to go and get some new drum equipment that they messed up and didn’t include in the initial shipment. Getting incorrect or unusable gear seems to be the theme for the tour.

On our impromptu visit to London, we watched most of the episodes of “The Office” Season 2. Sean, a lifelong T.V. hater, actually enjoyed it! A tear came to my eye when Jim kissed Pam in the season finale. I guess it wasn't a good idea to stop taking anti-depressants after a strong 9 years of usage. Well, Jenna Fisher is definitely worth shedding tears over.

I don’t remember anything about Northampton. Who cares at this point? Every day is the same. You get up. You smell bad. You do your dumb job. A band plays. Kids act dumb. You break everything down. You go to bed. The life of a traveling rock circus.

Destroy Everything - Wednesday, April 18th

Exeter

After sleeping for 3 hours, I got up, showered, and moved all of the band’s gear in the basement of the hotel with the help of original guitarist, Wayne. A runner was coming to take it to the venue, but he had a car smaller than a Mini Cooper and he expected to take all the gear and 8 dudes in it. Needless to say, he had to make 5 trips.

The bus was waiting for us at the venue alongside 2 new crew members. We have Mark from Germany and Chris from Belgium . Mark is Sean’s guitar tech and Chris is Matt’s drum tech. Mark is from Germany, is normally Caliban’s guitar tech and he is also known as Death Metal Dan. Why? Well because for an entire tour, Jamey thought his name was Dan and he wore a new death metal t-shirt everyday. Chris is from Belgium, sings for Do Or Die (as featured on the Eastpak Resistance Vol. 1 DVD), speaks fluent French and doesn't understand a word that I say to him.

Along with our new crew members, we got 2 new bus drivers! We had some weird skinny guy and Jerry Don’t. Jerry is from Germany and is the bastard son of a UK soldier. Seriously. He wears silver chains and sunglasses, hates sleeping in his designated hole, never actually sleeps, and doesn’t speak any English. He just looks at you and speaks in German. I guess I would do the same thing, except I don’t speak German. Jamey just calls him “Holy Shiznit Dog”; named after everyone’s favorite Myspace spam message.

The buses over here are drastically different than in America. The bathroom is actually right next to the steps and most members of the band and crew can’t even fully stand while they are using it. I guess that is why there has been piss covering every inch of the floor everyday since we have been on the bus. There are no front lounges and the back lounge is just 4 bus seats without a door. It is impossible to fit more than one individual in the hallway at a time, making for some interesting maneuvering when everyone is awake.

Nothing exciting, comical, or worth reporting happened at the big campus rock concert. After the show, I just collapsed in my brand new bunk. It was the earliest I have gone to sleep in years. Now, if only I could stick to this schedule, I may be able to get a regular job and act like a normal “bloke”.

Playlist :

Agnostic Front – Liberty And Justice

Destroy Everything - Tuesday, April 17th

Exeter

Unfortunately, we had to leave Dublin. Once again, we had to do it early. Someone wanted me to momentarily hold on to a bottle of crazy Ukrainian whiskey, called "BLACK CARDINAL." Not thinking, I put it in my bookbag. I realized during the security checkpoint that what I had done was going to be a problem. I asked the woman at security if I could bring booze through. Of course, she said no. I jokingly said “Son of a bitch!” She got really pissed and yelled at me and told me that you have to be cordial at the airport. What? Didn’t the Irish fucking invent swearing?

The plane we rode on was a very small propeller plane. VERY SKETCHY! Do airlines ever give out anything for free anymore? You can’t even get coffee without paying for it. Dumb. When the plane first hit the runway during landing it did a nollie. EVEN SKETCHIER! Thankfully, we made it off in one piece and landed in Exeter, UK for our only OFF DAY of the tour.

The motel we were put up in was a very nice and small pub/restaurant/hotel combo. We had roommates again and today I was stolen by my friend and co-conspirator; Frank “3 Gun”. He, F.Sean Martin, and I walked around the town for a while. What a cool city! We had no idea what to expect, as the majority of us had never even heard of Exeter. It was filled with small shops of all kinds. I also realized that the local mall must have been running a sale on HUGE TITS, because every female in the city seemed to own a pair.

We ventured into a really cool underground (literally) bar/grill called Chaucer’s. It did share the last name as the author of “The Canterbury Tales.” I read that once when I was an English major in college. Did I get an English degree? No. Did I even graduate college? No. Why didn’t majoring in English work out for you, Kent? Well, I hated reading and I hated writing, so I figured that English might not be the way to go, and that is why I flunked out of college. Well, that was part of the reason...the other part was that I had a crazy girlfriend, insomnia, and got addicted to high speed internet porn.

I figured I should try something new and act like a local. Therefore, I ordered fish and chips. I had never had fish before in my life. I don’t really know what to think about it. I am almost 26; I just thought I should grow up a little. Sean and Frank were happy to witness a turning point in my life. Other things I don't like to eat: Lettuce (Gross! Who wants to eat crispy water?), tomatoes, mayonnaise, mustard, onions, olives, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, cucumbers, and anything else remotely healthy.

Upon arriving back at the motel, I immediately passed out. I had been running off 3 hours sleep for the last few nights and something finally gave. I fell asleep from 5pm to 12am. I got up and tried to hijack a local internet connection. We had brief luck and I was able to update my fantasy baseball lineup, see who had won the Nascar Nextel Cup Race, and find out whom the Cavaliers would be playing in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Jamey eventually came to our room, and we all watched the best kills from “Blood Sucking Freaks”. I became fascinated with the sadistic midget servant character, “Ralphus” and I did some quick research on him. He also starred in a series of pornographic films called: “Anal Dwarf”, and “Santa Comes Twice”. In addition to that he played an Ewok in “Return Of The Jedi.” Unfortunately, he died of a heart attack in 1988. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

None of us could sleep so we thought it would be a good idea to stay up until 7 a.m. when they started serving the complimentary breakfast. In reality it wasn’t that good of an idea.

Playlist:

Mariah Carey – Butterfly

Madonna – The Immaculate Collection

Cam’Ron – Killa Season (Step your game up, Cam)

Furious Styles – Life Lessons

Destroy Everything - Monday, April 16h

Dublin, Ireland

I was able to sleep for 2 hours before we all met in the lobby. One of the Knight Rider leather coat wearing, weird guys who was hanging out with the show promoters went up behind Sean and started massaging him while speaking in his native tongue. It was mildly creepy.

We were definitely running late to catch our 6:30 a.m. flight. The lines at the airport were HUGE! They opened a gate, and everyone just barged in like it was Christmas time and Power Rangers were the “it” toy. We had to wait in another line, and just completely blew the counter girl’s mind when we told her we were checking 18 bags. People were opening up an instruction manual and making all kinds of phone calls to see what the policy exatly was. I think the policy ended up being, “Oh, most of them are American? Well, let’s just completely rip them off.” The airline was going to charge us 2,000 Euro for the weight overage. The guy then said he would only charge us 914 Euro, if we slipped him an extra 500 Euro under the table. Great racket this guy had going on, too!

The flight had a layover in Prague. I once saw a porno called, "Buttman joins Rocco in Prague." We were starved at this point, and sick of eating airline issued, rock hard, plastic wrapped croissants, so we went looking for something better. I don’t know if we found something better, but we did find a Kentucky Fried Chicken. WE WENT IN! I hadn’t eaten one thing since our Friday night meal, so I was definitely stoked to be eating anything, let alone something terribly American. How good are KFC mashed potatoes? Why does the Prague KFC charge you for ketchup? Why do they only allow you one dipping sauce? How are you a KFC that is anti-sauce? BOO!

We boarded our next plane, which was another 2 and a half hour flight. Yes, that is 14 hours in an airplane in 2 days. Exciting stuff. I was sitting next to Schlumpf and he started dissing me because I was listening to Mariah Carey and Madonna. That Mariah Carey and Cam’Ron collaboration off of “Butterfly” is fire.

Dublin, Ireland was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! This was my first visit there, and I definitely want to go back. There was a 16 year old blonde girl with braces that was flashing her friends a good amount of her cleavage. Obviously we proceeded to give her really creepy lurker looks. I think she liked the array of 35 year old sketchy tattooed men staring at her. All women have a convict fantasy. We got picked up in a nice tourist styled bus. This thing was amazing! Too bad we only got to ride in it for 10 miles! Every seat had an individual air conditioning unit. Why can’t a tour bus even have working air conditioning half the time?

The hotel was an old fashioned 5 star hotel. The band doesn’t normally share rooms, but due to budget reasons they did on this day. I was kidnapped by Sean and we went up to view our room. We were definitely quite upset to find out that there was no air conditioning in the room. That bus ride definitely spoiled us! It was sweltering hot, but we managed to find some small fans to fill the room.

Immediately I had to walk to the club with Wayne and Schlumpf, to see exactly what we were dealing with. The club was a cool 600 capacity room with a balcony. Of course, I hadn't received any of the merch yet. Therefore, I walked back to the hotel room and slept on my bed, which was the equivalent of a jail cot, until it arrived.

None of the merch was right. All the shirts looked like they were bootlegged. It’s fun trying to deal with all this stuff in a foreign country. The Acacia Strain arrived as they will be playing the majority of the United Kingdom shows with us. Frank and I toured with them when we were in the Terror van a few years ago so it is always nice to run into past tour mates again. Ok, it actually isn’t always nice. Some bands and people are just terrible and you never want to see them again. I became very good friends with the singer’s ex-girlfriend who was selling merch for them on the aforementioned tour. What up Sheri! Vincent doesn’t hate me! Well, maybe he does. I am also selling their merch for them. I think they got strong-armed into that one. Nice kids though, and I am glad to be with them during their first ever overseas run.

The rest of the show went off without a hitch and most in attendance seemed to have the time of their lives. Some guy kept showing pictures of him with the Latin/Metal band; Ill Nino. He was repeatedly pronouncing their name as ; ill Ni Nooooo . I kept saying, “Who?” I finally realized who he was talking about when every picture he seemed to show me featured his goofy self pictured next to some goofier guy with dreadlocks. Do you sometimes understand why I hate my life? Europeans are a minimum of 10 years behind the United States.

Sean and I stayed up pretty late talking about our various degrees of wiggerdom and the other styles we have fused it with. We discussed, “Repo Man Wigger,” “Gap Gangster,” “Hunting Wigger,” and “WorkWear Wigger.” Sean also expressed the hurt he is feeling over Frank becoming significantly more white by endorsing Nascar. He promised to have a talk with him.

Discussions eventually led to where all good discussions go; The Insane Clown Posse. We were getting delirious by this time and eventually fell asleep with the pleasant pictures of a huge pant wearing, bowl cut rocking, Twiztid hockey jersey sporting, mall rat degenerates who are down with the clown. America rules.

Destroy Everything - Sunday, April 15th

Kiev, Ukraine

I woke up, well actually, I didn’t fucking sleep…so I got up, and the techs and I headed to the club to set everything up. The room was HUGE! It would hold at least 8,000 people. The club was next to a gigantic stadum where the Scorpions once played to 100,000 people. Wow. I didn’t think anybody but Hasselhoff could pull those kinds of numbers in Europe.

Gamma Ray was onstage setting all their gear up. Anytime a band is running smoke at 10 am, it’s a bit much. Who is Gamma Ray, you ask? Gamma Ray features ex members of Helloween! Needless to say, they sucked. I helped Wayne set all his stuff up, because he was the only tech at this point of the tour. After that, we went to the back room, drank some Coke Light, and I took a nap on some rock hard chairs.

By the time Hatebreed took the stage, 2000 people had shown up. The room still looked a bit empty but the kids who were there definitely went crazy. There was at least 100 armed military police officers wearing red berets and aqua camo. Yes, the same camo Jean Claude Van Damme wore in Street Fighter: The movie! Oh wait, that movie was terrible, but at least it was better than Double Dragon: The Movie. Anytime kids would fall over the barricade, I say fall because there was no one on the other side to catch them, the armored security would beat them with nightsticks and throw them outside. It was definitely a tad sketchy, but "when in the Ukraine..."

The room was split down the middle with a T-Barricade. These became popular at larger events after a bunch of people died at a Limp Bizkit show from overcrowding. It’s hard to believe a Limp Bizkit show would be overcrowded, but throughout history people have consistently demonstrated a taste for all things terrible. How great is that “Break Stuff” song, though? “It’s just one of those days where you don’t want to wake up, everybody sucks, blah blah, and you want to justify ripping someone’s head off.” Genius. Wayne was in a cover band called, Bent, after he quit Hatebreed, and they played that and other assorted Ozzfest classics of the late 90’s.

Because of the T-Barricade, there were 2 simultaneous pits going at all times. It definitely looked pretty cool from the stage. The band played an hour and 20 minute set with a lot of songs they haven’t played for a while.

Most people in attendance couldn’t even believe that Hatebreed was playing. A majority of “promoters” over there will advertise that certain bands are coming, sell hundreds of pre-sale tickets, and then have the show never happen. For a band to even show up and play in Kiev, was a great feat for the promoters and fans.

After the show, we immediately went back to the hotel, because we had to get up at 3:30 a.m. to catch a plane to Dublin, Ireland.

Playlist:

Bad Religion – No Control

Glassjaw – E.Y.E.W.T.K.A.S. / Worship And Tribute

50 Cent – Get Rich Or Die Trying

Earth Crisis – Destroy The Machines / Firestorm Demo

Destroy Everything - Saturday, April 14th

Kiev, Ukraine

We landed at 7 am Ukrainian time, which is midnight EST. We had to wait in a sketchy customs line and fill out a sketchier immigration form. It looked like it was a photocopy of a photocopy. None of us filled it out right, and the Ivan Drago looking dude behind the glass wasn’t too thrilled. We eventually made it through and were greeted by the promoters of the EXTREME POWER FESTIVAL which we would be playing the next day.

They drove us through the heart of Kiev and dropped us off at our hotel. We each got our own room which was furnished with amazing Three’s Company décor. I tried to watch TV, but everything was obviously in a language I couldn’t begin to comprehend. Flipping through the channels, I heard someone singing in English. It was actually a Robbie Williams video, but it wasn’t even the one where he tears his own flesh off, which made it not worth watching.

I eventually fell asleep and got up 7 hours later. I wandered into the hotel lobby and met Matt, and Wayne. They were planning on going to a local restaurant that was feeding all the bands on the festival. Sean’s room was the only room number that I could remember, but I wasn’t even sure if I was remembering it correctly. I didn’t think we should leave without him, so I went up to what I thought was his room and lightly knocked. Then I lightly knocked again, and again. I heard a grumbled “What the fuck!” and contemplated running down the hallway. I realized that it might have been better if I would have knocked on a door and had some gigantic sketchy Ukrainian come out, rather than an angered Sean Martin. When isn’t Sean Martin angered? He came to the door, and I asked him if he was sleeping. He said, “No, Kent the lights are just off and I’m wide a’fucking’wake.” I was still tempted to run down the hall at this point, but Sean decided to spare me on this day, and agreed to come to eat with us after he and I discussed how cool Redman is at age 37.

Our Ukranian escorts, not hookers; just dudes who worked at the show, walked us to the restaurant. One of them had a video camera and just was candidly videotaping us. I understand what he was trying to do, but it truly didn’t make it any less uncomfortable. Thankfully Sean yelled at the guy and he shut it off.

REAL escorts actually approached us in the restaurant, but we politely declined.

I made it back to my room and stayed up ALL night. It got pretty fucking boring in there, especially because I was watching CNN Worlwide for at least 5 hours straight. I can’t believe Prince William dumped his girlfriend. The media ruins another relationship. The only English people I really care about are S.A.S. (amazing in State Property 2), Posh Spice, David Beckham, and Katie “Jordan” Price, who is knocked up right now and looking like a blimp.

Destroy Everything - Friday, April 13th

Airport

On Friday April 13^th, I flew to New York’s JFK airport from Cleveland to meet the band. My bag was already overweight. Yes, I pack like a girl. The guy at the counter said he would help me out if I helped him out. I offered him $7 and his face lit up. Great racket this guy had going on. Overweight baggage will be a theme.

I was quite happy to be leaving Cleveland because it had been snowing there for a week straight. Yes, It snows in April. Yes, that is dumb. Yes, my Jewish cousin had to cancel his Kosher Easter Egg Hunt. Yes, my Jewish cousin does own an Easter Bunny costume and was going to wear it for said hunt. Yes, that it is creepy. Kent, why don’t you tell us more about your personal life and your month and a half you just had off? Well, my life is somewhat boring and like any great reporter, I exploit other people, not myself.

I met the band and killed a few hours with them at the airport. It was nice to see everyone again, as I had been away from them since January 1^st. We briefly caught up, and I noticed that an unnamed member of our party absolutely reeked of urine and admitted to pissing himself in a drunken stupor the previous night. I noticed some strange yellow markings all over the side of his shirt. I am no detective, but I figured it out. Normally after I piss myself, I change my clothes. I am not here to throw anyone under the bus, unless you are Misha, so do your own deducting.

We boarded the plane and readied ourselves for the 9 hour ride that was about to begin. Ouch! We were all split up throughout the plane. I was fortunate enough to have an empty seat between me and the next person over from me. I was not fortunate enough to commandeer the entire vacant row in front of me like Jamey did. Dude was seriously laying down in coach. Normally, such strokes of pure luck are reserved for Terror’s Doug Weber. The two broken English speaking United States citizens next to me were anything but pleased with Jamey’s seating arrangement. They drowned their displeasure with a plethora of $5 bottles of airline vodka. More on them later.

The in-flight movie was “The Holiday” starring such celebrities as Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Kate Winslet. I always kind of thought Kate Winslet was sexy. Maybe it is because she shows her fire-crotch in the majority of films she appears in. Not in this one though, sorry. Cameron Diaz either looks completely haggard or drop dead gorgeous, and in this film, it was thankfully the latter. The movie was a bit different than your standard romantic comedy fare, and it almost made me shed a tear at the end. I was next to the weird Arab drunk guys though, and I thought they would clown me. The movie showed me that love is possible, despite the distance and differences that separate two individuals.

Ok, back to the two drunk guys. I don’t really know if they were Arabs. I do know that they were U.S. citizens that didn’t speak English. I also know that they got OBLITERATED for 8 straight hours on mini bar sized booze. When female flight attendants walked by, the older gentleman held his hands up and groped the air as if they were her breasts. That is something my dad would do, which doesn’t make it any less creepy/amazing. Later, they told a 60 going on 90 year old flight attendant that she was beautiful. She encouraged them to keep drinking. They heeded her advice.

Planelist:

T.I. - King

Lil Wayne – The Drought 3 / The Dedication 2

Devin The Dude – Just Tryin’ Ta Live

Desperate Measures – Never Enough Time / It’s On Our Hands

Day Of Contempt – The Will To Live

Cro-Mags – Alpha Omega (soon to be re-released on Reaper Records...) www.reaperhardcore.com