Terror Tour 2/13/2007

What can you really say about Portland? The show was pretty good…for Portland. The downside is we played a real venue, not the Reed College Ping Pong Room, like we did in 2005. I didn’t run into any weird liberal hippy women on bicycles chastising me about Tsunamis; which has happened before in that fine city. It is the home of Nike Athletic Footwear. I don’t really want to delve much deeper, it’s just too depressing.

Terror Tour 2/12/2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISHA!

We escaped death and arrived in Seattle at 4am. I was too tired to go into the motel and slept in the van. This is becoming an epidemic.

We got up, went to a bank, and went to the mall that we always go to when we are in Seattle. There was some serious construction going on in the mall and the entire food court was out of commission. How do you have a mall without a food court? A pretzel stand does not constitute as a food court. Remember life before pretzel sticks, when all you could get was the huge pretzels? Whack.

It was Misha’s birthday, so he walked around and pretended like he was going to buy something. Of course, he didn’t.

For the 3rd straight time at this mall, Terror got "rockegnized". I love when people just tell you who you are and what you are doing. "You are in Terror and you are playing at Graceland tonight!" No, we just happened to be in Seattle walking around a shitty mall without a food court.

The only good thing about the mall was a lot of fair looking broads walking around in fuck me boots and oversized sweaters with their asses hanging out the bottom. Since everything sucked there, except the girls with the boots and butts, we went to the Olive Garden. Frank 3 gun and I have shared many a meal at that particular location, so it brought back some memories. Hold your head Frank, Terror (yes, all members) still loves you.

Jim Hesketh from Champion came to join us for lunch and told us about his new band that he is doing. They are playing soon, so be on the lookout for that. He also told us about his job at Whole Foods. Does every hardcore dude work at Whole Foods? Dumb.

I bought Misha lunch for his birthday. He described it as “Bomb.”

We got to the club and found out that All Shall Perish had cancelled due to the singer having an asthma attack. Wait, it was convenient that he had an asthma attack right after Salt Lake City which allowed them to skip Portland and Seattle and go straight to San Francisco (their hood).

Furious Styles were nice enough to open the show in ASP’s place. They covered “State of the World Address…Motherfucka!” They just dropped an album on Hand of Hope Records; check it out.

There were many hot girls at the show and many more sloppy drunk “go big” broads that were falling (literally) down the steps of the merch area and having their floppy funbags do just that; flop. I tried to hook Misha up with a really drunk slob, but she ended up being too crazy in the end.

Joe Garimbone, celebrity merchandiser, was in Seattle waiting for his next tour of duty to start. Joe is a hardcore/merchandising legend and is responsible for teaching me most of what I know. It was great to see him and I hope he has fun watching Chiodos (the 2nd worst band in rock music behind Trivium) everyday.

The show was absolutely intense. Stagedives, stagedives, stagedives. One of the best Terror shows in Seattle, ever.

After the show, we went back to the motel. Misha brought a friend. She was drunk, but she wasn’t half bad looking. LADIES, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? I give up.

The rest of us watched “Ego Trip’s: The White Rapper Show.” Persia had to go home. Although she possesses the most skill, she always fumbled during crunch time. Buske had a crush on her. Weird dude. We love Johnny and Persia though, and I believe they will both have successful careers.

Terror Tour 2/11/2007

Terror Tour 2/11/2007

After an exhausting night of animal porn, I awoke to Misha exclaiming, "FUCK!" Yes, I share a bed with Misha on occasion. His nickname used to be "Freesha Ownbed" due to his penchant for never paying for anything and being a bed hog. I guess he was upset because he needed to deposit money in the bank but realized it was Sunday. We told him that you can just go up to the ATM and deposit money into it. Moments later, we noticed Misha putting money into a business sized envelope and asking us, "So all you have to do is write your name on it? How do they know it's yours? I don't want to do this I don't really trust machines."

I don't know what is scarier, thinking that you can just put a business size envelope with the name MISHA scrawled on it in crayon into an ATM and expect it to somehow magically find your account or believing that machines are going to take over the earth and they should not be trusted.

I know that Cyberdyne Laboratories are up to no good and that Skynet became self aware on August 29, 1997 and attempted to wage a nuclear war with mankind. Here is the good news though, Misha: we have John Conner on our side, and I expect by the year 2029 for him to have successfully won the war against our mechanical enemies.

We began our 12 hour drive to Seattle and made it ¼ mile down the road and had to stop for food. We went to Carl's JR. (Hardees for my Midwest/Eastcoast family). Buske is on the fakest diet ever. If eating mint chocolate chip milkshakes at Carl's and then trying to buy ice cream every 2 hours at gas station stops is dieting, then he is doing a smashup job.

Misha didn't stop at Carl's. He went to Taco Bell because you can buy stuff for 99 cents there. One time Misha charged 99 cents on a credit card. The previous night in the motel room, Buske told Misha that the ONLY good thing he has going for him is that he is a "cheap bastard".

Misha got a double decker taco. I didn't know they still made those things. I remember when they first came out though Hakeem Olaujawan and Shaquille O'Neal were featured in the commercials. They were supposed to play a 1 on 1 Pay-Per View televised pickup game at the Taj Mahal in Las Vegas. It never happened. Why did I include this? I just wanted you to know that I have a vast knowledge of things that are dumb, scare girls away, and get me nowhere.

During the tumultuous van ride, BIG DOUG did a strong amount of farting. When someone farts, everyone makes the usual "ughhhhh" noises and puts their shirts over their noses, but the strange part comes when the people who haven't gotten the scent of the fart start taking long drawn out and gigantic breaths of air up their nose to confirm that said fart smells disgusting. I think we can just take the other 5-6 people who have already smelled the odor's word for it from here on out.

We stopped at a Red Robin in Boise, ID for dinner because Texas Roadhouse had an hour wait. Our very large waitress tried to solicit us her phone number. However, she never specified to whom she wanted to give it. She also kept saying, "Rock and Roll," which sucked. I guess she would have gotten plowed by any or all of us. Too bad we weren't staying in Boise for the night.

Nick Jett drives very fast. I will not lie, sometimes it is scary. There was a rain coming down and we were going through mountains but he was still going 90. Adding to the danger of the conditions, we are pulling thousands of pounds of equipment, or L B's if you are Patrick Kitzel, for example: "a 1 / 4 L B Burger" which would be pronounced, "A one four ell bee burger." I love ESL's.

At a gas station stop, I told him that I was frightened for my life and he should just slow down. 20 minutes later he was going 90 again and asked if it was ok because it was no longer raining. This continued throughout the day, with Nick texting while driving down 6% downgrades. Buske made some phone calls to say his final goodbyes. BIG DOUG awoke from his slumber and buckled in, and I turned around to look at Scott. I don't know why I wanted Scott Vogel to be the last thing I saw before I died, I just thought it would be better to look at him than watch us fly off of a cliff.

Nick caught wind of our scared whispers in between his 7 hours of phone calls that he took throughout the day, and really took it the wrong way. He was very upset that we were criticizing his driving and told us he is the safest driver of the lot. He said that he is scared when anyone else drives. I understand being scared of anything that Misha does, but Scott and I drive 45 mph on an open road.

Do you know how sometimes when you drive for an extended amount of time throughout the night you become delusional? I think Nick was suffering from such a condition. We made nice with Nick, but it was still frightening. On a side note, Nick does 95% of the driving and we definitely do appreciate him and all he does for Terror, which is immeasurable.

On a gas station stop, Misha bought some Lance brownies for 25 cents. Earlier in the day he refused to buy them because they were 75 cents. He said they reminded him of the brownies he used to eat in high school. So he is recounting memories of 2 weeks ago, I guess. He is the craziest eater ever. He gets so excited and just starts smiling from ear to ear. When questioned on what the brownies tasted like, Misha said, "They taste like a fucking …like a fucking, um good ass brownie." The Wu said it best, "Can it be all so simple?"

Terror Tour 2/10/2007

"Here we go!", Buske yelled as he braced himself against the seat. I put my head down and closed my eyes readying myself. The rain was coming down as we slammed on our brakes and started skidding towards an impending crash with the car that just pulled out in front of us, passing traffic on our left, and a telephone pole on our right… More on that later…

The day started out less perilous with an enjoyable 9 hour drive to Salt Lake City. We got onto talking about Mormons on the drive and Martin was telling me that when they die they get their own planet and the first Mormon walked to Salt Lake with a Unicorn. This will all come into play later.

We also took bets on how many people would be at the show. We recently played with Unearth and Bleeding Through in SLC and 400 people paid. That tour was doing anywhere between 700-1000 people at every other show. Misha's guess was 350. Yeah. We had previously placed bets on first week sales of Killswitch Engage and Hatebreed albums. Misha's guesses were always at least 50,000 – 200,000 off. Confused child.

We arrived at the venue at 5 o'clock. Our fearless tour manager, Fat Juggs Hernandez, was apparently misinformed because the first band was actually playing at 5. So much for me being able to spend a minimum of 2 hours organizing the trailer and restocking merch like I had originally planned.

The show ended up being great! It was easily the best show I have ever been to in Salt Lake City! That is happening a lot on this tour and we all couldn't be any happier!

We ended up going to The Texas Roadhouse for a post show party with the whole tour (minus Stick To Your Guns who are still broken down in Florida). During the short drive from the club to the restaurant a car pulled out in front us. They must have decided it was ok to continue going 15 mph when a van pulling thousands of pounds of equipment is speeding at them going 60mph.

Nick reacted quickly, but the whole van started to jackknife on the slippery surface. Straightening it out only pushed the van dangerously close to a telephone pole. Nick managed to somehow turn into a parking lot and avoid hitting ANYTHING! We couldn't believe it. We all had to sit there for a minute to catch our breath.

Upon arrival to the restaurant, I asked Erika, our hostess, if she was Mormon. Of course she was, so I asked her if she is married to a man with multiple wives and if she plans on receiving her own planet upon death. I guess I was misinformed because this broad looked at me like I had 4 heads, turned bright red, and ran and hid behind the hostess stand! Oh well, at least I still got it with the ladies!

The cinnamon butter at Texas Roadhouse is unreal! A few people bought Misha a steak because his birthday was coming up. I overheard Buske on the phone refer to himself as "Johnny the Pooper". It was creepy.

We checked into a motel and I downloaded the new 50 Cent diss by Cam'ron. Cam really didn't lay into him to hard. How crazy was the Hot 97 phone call? "Curtiiiiiiiiiiiissssss! Curtiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss!" Cam has completely lost his fucking mind. Thankfully Jimmy called in later to cool things over and explain his love scenes in the upcoming movie, "Thugs' Passion", comparing it to "9 ½ Weeks" and comparing himself to Mickey Rourke. Scary. Jim has lost his fucking mind as well. Definitely check out the youtube.com video of Cam calling into Hot 97. The dude needs to go on another vacay to the Bahamas, and ditch some piranhas because he is fading from reality fast.

I also checked out the Kim Kardashian sex tape with Ray-J. Who is Ray-J besides Brandy's brother and guest host of BET's "The Center", you ask? Remember "Wait a Minute" from the summer of 2001 which featured Lil Kim? You don't? "I'm from the land of women, sunny days, chrome spinnin', It's on tonight!" Pharrell was in the video. Still nothing, huh? Well, it was definitely a hit for my brother and I, and received regular play in the basement of 804 Sherman Street.

In the video, Ray-J pisses on Kim, not the "Wait a Minute" video, the actual sex video. Black people love to pee on people! I don't think Martin does. Martin doesn't even eat pork products or lick girl's buttholes so I doubt he goes the yellow discipline route.

Kim Kardashian is the new Paris. She is famous for being famous and is now starring in a sextape which I am sure is horrible. At least it isn't in nightvision.

We got to the motel and all started nerding out for a little while...suddenly, David's Limewire folder showed up on everyone's I-Tunes. He must have been a guest at the hotel. He had no music in his folder, but he sure had a lot of creepy animal porn. Does seeing a dog going down on a girl really turn you on? It didn't turn us on. What? We had to at least check it out and see.

Terror Tour 2/9/2007

I was too tired to go into the hotel room once we arrived in Denver. I slept in the van until 10 am. I rounded up a few others and we went to a nearby Denny's. There, we force-fed Misha 3 pancakes, 2 slices of French toast, 6 pieces of bacon, 3 pieces of sausage, 2 eggs, and hashbrowns. We don't really care if he gains weight, we just all think it is funny to watch him eat due to his insane mannerisms and his use of the word, "Bomb" to describe food.

While driving, we noticed a very short midget dancing on the street corner with a cardboard sign. I have nothing against little people, but this was downright degrading. In addition to being vertically challenged, it looked like she had Progeria. Progeria is Scott and my favorite disease because it is so regularly featured on Maury. And you thought he only did "You are NOT the father!" shows. I love when Maury says that they are very special young people and tells them that not only are they getting a skateboard, they are getting skateboarding lessons from Tony Hawk!!!!!

Before the show started, I received an 18 box shipment of merch. Wait, you still want to tour with a band? Getting 18 dumb boxes full of stupid t-shirts means that you have to go through all 18 boxes, count everything in them, and then try to find room for them in your trailer amongst all the band's gear, all your personal belongings ( I pack like a girl), and all the merch you already have in stock. FUN STUFF!

Maris the Great (Maristhegreat.com) was at the show. Maris is a very tall mohawked man who dresses up as a homosexual zombie and walks around hardcore shows. He does a website where he "kills" bands with some impressive makeup work. He once asked if he could suck Scott's dick. I don't think Scott took to kindly to that. Myke from District 9 beat him up once. Myke was also banned from this show. How classic was Cesar from District 9 in the N.Y.H.C. documentary?

Maris licked my hand and I got fake blood all over me. It was definitely unsanitary. I don't mind the whole gay thing (most people think I am at least bi due to my incessant talk of dicks), I actually mind the zombie thing. If you walk around your whole life pretending to be a zombie, you are essentially a zombie. It is just weird to me and makes me question Maris's upbringing.

The show was AWESOME! The best Terror show in Colorado ever. After the show we went to the motel room and caught the re-run of the "White Rapper Show". BUSHWHICK GUEST APPEARANCE! The Geto Boys are an all time favorite and it was dope to see that little creep get some love. Serch gave Sullee every opportunity to end the whole Stop Snitchin' epidemic and he just failed.

After our dose of reality television (which also included that weird show, "Bad Girl's Club"), we tried to order pizza. Papa John's refused to deliver the pizza due to the area we were staying in allegedly being quite dangerous. Martin was incensced! He actually didn't even want to eat pizza, but he grabbed the phone from Nick and over the course of 5 minutes said such gems as, "Listen, you aren't going to punish us because of where we are staying. We are faced with a problem and you are going to give us a solution. Stop being a pussy! You are the worst manager I have ever come in contact with! I know what it is like, I once had a friend who got shot in his balls because he was delivering a pizza in the wrong neighborhood. What are you going to do? HUH?" Needless to say, we didn't get pizza that night.

Terror Tour 2/8/2007

The club in Tulsa,OK was pretty damn big. I don't think Iron Maiden would have had a sellout at that place. Sworn Against opened up the show. They brought along their boy; Cootie Ray. Needless to say, He ruled.

After the show we had a 9 hour drive to Colorado. We obviously don't care about being alive, because we let Misha drive 7 hours in the ice and snow. I slept between the 2 benches on the floor and couldn't move for a few hours afterwards. It is a glamorous life.

Terror Tour 2/7/2007

2/7/07

Today was another long and dumb drive to Shreveport, Louisiana. This was originally supposed to be an off day, but due to the cancellation of last week's show, we added this one. All the other bands were playing the show, so we jumped on as well.

When we arrived the promoter said that it might be a rough turnout because Wednesday is a big church night in the area for the demographic he was targeting, which was age 14. Terror is huge in Southern middle schools.

This show wasn't packed but it was a lot of fun. There were some pre-pubescent girls dancing on the stage during Terror, some of the worst and weirdest slow motion moshing in recorded history, and some vegan chili, which "Johnny likey!"

Most online Vogelisms (DUMB) are fake, but I will give you a real one, "…Whether you have a big giant dick or a gaping pussy between your legs…"

Martin posted a lengthier update on this day over at his online BLAAAHHHG... guttermagic.blogspot.com

Terror Tour 2/6/2007

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Terror Tour 2/5/2007

The show in Orlando got moved a few times. A few hundred kids still managed to find the place and come out on a Monday evening. During load in I heard a few different conversations about “Job For A Cowboy”. Who the fuck is “Job For A Cowboy?” How come at every club we go to some weird haired geek has to talk about this band? I am fucking annoyed about hearing their name, I wonder how Elliot from Stick To Your Guns feels being he used to be in the band. Myspace hype dies a fast and painful death.

A bunch of people were fighting during War of Ages. Aren’t they a Christian band? Kids are dumb. I guess 25 year olds who work for hardcore bands are dumb too.

The guitarist from Cannibal Corpse came out to hang with BIG DOUG of Terror fame. He brought his friend, “Gravedigger“. That is how he was introduced to us, so that is what we referred to him as. He is huge in the Medieval Fair scene.

Terror Tour 2/4/2007

We got up EARLY and drove 9 hours with a cardboard window into Florida, which is Frank 3 Gun's favorite location on the planet. They have had some bad storms down there lately and the weather was not in our favor. The rain was coming down hard and put a nice hole in our tree made window.

We got to the club early and walked to a burrito place which had the nationally televised Cavaliers basketball game on. We started out the season so well, but we have been running in place lately. I am almost glad that I don't get to see the games when we are on tour; it is just too depressing knowing that all Cleveland sports franchises are perennial losers. A girl in stretch pants came in and you could definitely set a pot luck dinner on her ass. If every girl looked like her, I am re-locating.

The club was balmy and disgusting and the attendance was definitely affected by the weather and the biggest sporting contest of the year. There was a TV at the bar, so I was excited to be able to see bits and pieces of the game. The weather was a factor in that event too; turnover central. The first half was pretty exciting to watch, but like all Superbowls, It ended up lopsided. The win should definitely solidify Peyton Manning as an all time great quarterback. Deservingly so.

Misha went and stayed with Mike "Low Cool" Murphy, whose band played a surprise set earlier on in the night. We got a text in the middle of the night saying that Misha double teamed some girl and then ate all her food. Ladies, why would you fuck Misha? Nice guy, but he speaks as eloquently as a fucking caveman and he has the body type of an ostrich. Misha, like Forrest Gump before him, lives an extraordinary life.

It was internet café central in the room after we hit up an IHOP. At 3 a.m., Buske, Martin, and I ended up hopping a fence in the pouring rain and going in the hot tub. That was great until a card carrying member of the Trench Coat Mafia who allegedly was a hotel employee, told us it was after 10 pm and we needed to vacate the pool area.

We went back in the room and all started online blogs (or Blaaaaahhhhgs, if you live in the Terror van) and a few of us watched videos of our new favorite 80's hair metal/thrash band; NITRO. They are O.F.R. and H.W.D.W.S. for sure.

Terror Tour 2/3/2007

We found out that there was no glass repair available on Saturday morning, so we made the drive to the ATL without a window. Atlanta is the home of Outkast, Ludacris/DTP, Young Jeezy/CTE, T.I./GrandHustle Lil Jon, The Youngbloodz, and Jermaine Dupri (who may be uglier than Lil' Wayne), but none of them came out to our show.

During the first song, Buske choke-slammed a security guard with his bass on. Later a separate melee broke out which featured Big Doug throwing his guitar into a crowd of security guards and band members fighting. The next few paragraphs are taken from my benchmate Maritin's account of the story from his guttermagic.blogspot.com account:

The show was bananas. Mad stage diving like i've never seen. One bouncer got salty with Fat Juggz Hernandez (Our fake Tour Manager) and Doug took his guitar off and threw it at this cat. It missed him and hit like 2 other people and then broke on the floor. I jump off stage and see Buske just ruin this guys night with an elbow to his mug. Next thing I knew some goon has me hemmed up by my shirt with his hand all twisted up in my shit. I felt threatened, so I gave a good slug to his kisser and it was lights out. Things got crazy for a sec and then it was over with so we continued the rest of the show without problems.

Around load out time all the bouncers were salty that they got served up in their own club and that we just finished the show off like it was nothing. They started making threats to other kids on the tour that had nothing to do with the situation. Needless to say nothing else happens because it's the same old story every time. People always talk big and crazy when they feel like they've been punked. I over heard my little friend I had the confrontation with from earlier talking about how he's going to "shoot the mother fucker that hit me when I see him.". I stopped and gave him a look and what does he do? Shakes my hand and tells me how great he thought the show was. Then he goes on to say "It's all about punk rock. Ride or die.". What the hell does that mean? I may never know.

We went to a shot diner and hung out with some crazy black toothless bartender named Darren. He told us he has the unofficial key to the city. I think he tried to solicit us for drugs. He sent some gross fat Hispanic girls from Texas over. They definitely wanted to have sexual relations with the lot of us. They were hard up. We must not have been, because we declined.

Terror Tour 2/2/2007

This ended up being one of the craziest days of the tour for a multitude of reasons. The show was in Spartanburg, SC at GroundZero. Buske played a show there once with Another Victim and 3 paid. I don't have any cool South Carolina memories...well, I dated a 6 foot 1 inch stripper from there once. We looked dumb walking around the mall together. She still owes me $700. The show ended up being VERY good, the Terror show, not the Another victim show.

A drunk girl punched the really little 18 year old skinny guitar player of All Shall Perish straight in the face twice. He was pretty shook up. She got kicked out and was going INSANE!

In the melee she lost her phone and in the parking lot she ended up trying to fight her girlfriend who was just trying to put her in the car. Her ride took off without her and she was left in the parking lot saying, “No niggas can touch me, they can suck my clit and fuck me ‘till the morning, but they can’t touch me!” She noticed us laughing at her, which led to “Fuck ya’ll niggas talking shit! Run up! Run up!” Then she started harassing the owner about him giving her 60 dollars for her phone which he had nothing to do with her losing. 2 minutes later the 60 dollars she was demanding turned into 100 dollars. She was unsuccessful with getting anything except laughed at.

Her ride came back to pick her up and she started spouting off with, “I am going to bring the double glock on him. That motherfucker punched me!” Her girlfriend in the back tried to convince her to get in the car and they started fighting again. In the middle of all this, the girlfriend in the back yells, “I GOTTA PISS!” in the greatest southern accent you have ever heard. When you have to piss, I guess that takes precedent over your completely methed out, no ass having, white trash psychopathic friend. The crazy girl started spouting off more nonsense about bringing the Folks up to the club and told everyone to run up a few more times before some huge dude physically threw her in the car, and in true southern fashion, peeled out of the lot!

After Terror played, a band called SHAT took the stage. It was 4 middleaged dudes, who had dildos taped all over their bodies. Yes, They played their hit, “Titfuck.” Their music was System of a Down meets Gwar, with a Genitorturers / Impotent Sea Snakes live show. It was very bargain bin, but at 2 am in South Carolina; quite entertaining. Everyone went up to the stage and was getting pictures taken with the band and their array of dildos.

We finally got everyone out of the club and headed for a motel. People had way too much to drink, tempers flared, and the entire side van window ended up getting smashed out. I stayed up until 6 am taping the thing up in the freezing weather. Buske and Luis (Jugs on T9 word or Fat Jugs Hernandez in the Terror van) slept in the van to avoid theft.

Terror Tour 2/1/2007

I woke up, thinking it was around 11 am…It was actually 3 pm. I was definitely the first one up, too. I guess we really needed to sleep. By 5 we were on our way to…wait for it…wait for it…Buffalo Wild Wings! After we ate, we went to Best Buy. Some people were looking for the new Sean Price record, but they couldn’t find it. Nick and I bought 2 Toby Keith CD’s though. We got “White Trash with Money” and “Unleashed”. We have been listening to “Shockn’yall” in the van quite frequently and wanted to get some more Toby. Anytime we listen to it, Martin gets physically sick. “The Angry American” is probably one of the most thought out songs of our generation. It is right up there with our previous Toby Keith favorites, “The Taliban Song”, “I Love This Bar”, and “Weed With Willie".

Martin and Nick started recording some L.I.O.N. guitar tracks in the other room while Scott, Buske, and I downloaded episode 3 of “Ego Trip’s The White Rapper Show” on YouTube.com. We all huddled around the computer and watched Vanilla Ice superfan, “G-Child” get the boot. Brand Nubian was not impressed with the ghetto revival. After the conclusion of that, a re-run of episode 4 came on tv, so we were all excited to be caught up. We were more excited that “100 Proof” got voted off. La Coka guest appearance was nice, too. I hope that the weird token white geek from Virginia is next to go.

Misha had 2 strippers that he met at the previous night’s show, come over to drink with everyone in the 2^nd room. One was wearing a wig and fake Ugs with holes in the toes. I know a few people ended up pissing into her bra. I think Misha may have a celebrity sex tape out there after this night as well. What a little creepy weirdo he is. One time he had unprotected sex, and when we started to explain to him about STD’s he said, “I don’t think she had any, she was tight.” On a separate occasion, he got blown outside in the snow and Buske, Ang, and I made up a fake disease called REPITOSIS that you get when, well…getting blown outside in the snow. We told him that your dick develops scales. Needless to say, Misha believed us and we caught him doing a Google search on Repitosis that night.

Terror Tour 1/31/2007

Terror hadn’t been to Raleigh, NC since the fall of 2005 with Bury Your Dead. I remember that being a pretty good show and this one was no different. The club was very small but still crammed 300 kids inside. All the Down To Nothing kids came out again to do 200 stagedives per person.

During the show we found out that the next day’s show in Nashville had been cancelled due to an unexpected snowstorm. This happened to me last year on a Throwdown tour as well. They get 2 inches of snow in Nashville and they freak out. Hearing about this show being cancelled brought back the excitement of finding out school had gotten cancelled (which happened a lot in Northeastern Ohio). Of course we wanted to play the show, but we had gone 2 weeks straight with LONG drives everyday…so we were excited about a day off.

Stick To Your Guns went with us to the same motel and we both got rooms for 2 days. We were in a college town, so liquor was plentiful. People got HAMMERED. I remember Buske pulling me out of a sleeping bag at 4 am and harassing me about an Integrity t-shirt that I never got him in 2002.

Terror Tour 1/30/2007

HOME OF CLIPSE:

We had never played Harrsionburg, VA before and none of us knew what to expect. What we got when we arrived at Captain Tee's was the WEIRDEST SHOW EVER. Captain Tee's is a run down Chuck E. Cheese knockoff. They had balls all over the floor, but no ballpit. Their newest arcade game was the Simpsons scrolling fighting game (that TMNT the arcade game made famous). The mini golf course had a mixed theme of apocalyptic skull shaped stalagmites meets classic put put shenanigans…needless to say, it sucked. The jungle gym looked worse than the ones that you see in a Burger King. We found out that Agnostic Front had played there before and we all imagined that Stigma was still lost in the jungle gym.

The owner of the club was a complete dick. He yelled at people for every little thing. Maybe if his fake ass children's entertainment complex wasn't so bunk he wouldn't have to do modern jud jud hair metal shows.

We made the best of the situation. A lot of video games were played. Nick and Misha played mini golf as well as Marshall from the Warriors. They were playing by put put rules which really pissed me off. Put Put is so dumb. I am a mini golf connoisseur, residing in a town which contains the oldest operating mini golf course in the United States. Put Put is a watered down version geared towards soccer mom's and their shitty kids. I HATE when people don't understand and appreciate the difference. By the way, Misha definitely got an 11 on one of the holes.

A bunch of the members from Down to Nothing and Bracewar came to the show and were doing what they are known to do: stagedive. They were jumping over the side stage speakers and almost landing in the Beauty and the Beast themed party room. A punk rock guy started whipping people with a pyramid belt. I think he got beat up. Some other kids got yelled at for climbing a rock wall.

5 mintues down the road there was a Buffalo Wild Wings and it was wing night! Every band on the tour and all the Down to Nothing / Bracewar kids came out. People were getting IG in there. We had chants of "Misha" and "Wings, Beer, Sports" going repeatedly. The waiter hated us.

After BW3 (that's how you know if you are OG or not), I stayed up until 6 am and did a few weeks worth of laundry. Laundry is very therapeutic. There is nothing gayer than doing another grown man's laundry though. The rest of the guys stayed up and played on the internet all night. People act like you haven't been able to go online for 12 years when they hear that there is wireless network available. What else is there to see on the nerd? It takes me 5 minutes to see what the Assparade update is and find out whose new hip hop album went wood.

Terror Tour 1/29/2007

Philadelphia's First Unitarian Church had about 50 ice covered steps to load heavy equipment down. That was exciting. The place got filled up quick and everyone went nuts for all the bands. Ang #1 and Ang #2 were on stage right for Terror. Dudes from Lifetime said it was the best show they had ever seen at the church. A lot of friends came from New Jersey to hang out.

George Blacklisted took us to Pat's and Geno's to get some late night cheese steaks. People get shook when they have to order from Pat's. Everyone always asks a local exactly what to say. We went to Pat's because they had a Johnny Polo WWF autographed picture on display and they aren't racist. George played us the new Blacklisted, they are on some next level stuff. Definitely check it out when it drops on Deathwish.

Terror Tour 1/28/2007

We drove through New York and I got to see the hoods of Ghostface Killah, Jay-Z, Merauder, Biohazard and other legends. The Brooklyn show was scheduled in a venue that no one was really familiar with. We got to the show and there was a children’s concert going on. There were little kids everywhere! We took some pictures of the band hanging out with some snot nosed infants. It just made us look really molester like and creepy. Some of the bands that were playing are featured on Nickelodeon. Children’s entertainment is such a good racket. What else do kids have to do but be entertained by shitty singer songwriters? The place was packed, too bad the late show wasn’t. Ha.

During a rendition of "Happy Birthday", our tour manager, Fat Jugs Hernandez, comes running out of the club screaming, "FUCK YOU!" How does anyone get mad during the happy birthday song? Its like the epitome of a good time. Why try to fight the promoter during that song? Fighting during a Terror song i can almost understand; but the happy birthday song...c'mon dogg.

We couldn’t even load in until an hour before doors. The club had a cool layout, but they tried to make the show 18 and over. Dumb. There was like 10 kids in line and you are asking 7 of them to leave. Eventually they made the show 16 and over and a hundred and fifty some kids came out to hear loud rock music. I have never quite understood New York. Certain people only go to certain clubs. I always thought every show in New York had 1,000 people at it.

Craig Ahead, Ivan Dead Wrong, Ant $, and Ang all came out to hang out at the show. Kids were moshing like Irate was playing at Castle Heights. Hardcore is the only place where fat kids reign supreme. In highschool, they are just fat; but at the show they are “hard”. A kid who looked like Doug E. Doug was stealing the mic and singing Terror songs onstage all night. Was it ever acceptable to mosh onstage? I didn’t think so. This was the second show that this new phenomenon took place at. Are your moves that sick? No, they weren’t.

If you need to wear long johns underneath your mesh shorts, don’t you think it defeats the purpose of wearing mesh shorts? I know it is part of 00’s hardcore uniform, but maybe you can just save them for the summer.

It started snowing which made load out fun. Afterwards we tried to go to a brand new Buffalo Wild Wings, but it was closed by the time we got there. We had to settle for our favorite New York City diner…McDonalds.

Terror Tour 1/27/2007

Saturday at the Palladium in Worcester, Mass was something we had circled since we all first saw the tour routing. We knew it would be a great show, and It definitely was! Every band got a great response. Stick to your guns (or Cum on her gums) really blew up the spot in ole’ Moshachusetts.

A good friend of mine came to the show, as well as a guy wearing face makeup in the design that THE CROW made famous. I had fun hanging out with my friend Sheri and our new friend, Brandon Lee. Terror fans are great.

We went to a nearby nightclub afterwards, and some guido asked us where the pussy was at. People are so cool. A good majority of the band got really drunk. We stayed at some weird place in the woods that ran us down in the morning for walking out with a pillow. Of course, Misha was the one who took it.

Terror Tour 1/26/2007

We got to Poughkeepsie and loaded all our gear …wait for it….wait for it….a FLIGHT OF STAIRS! Awesome! They told us that wait for it…wait for it….that the SHOW WOULD BE SHUTDOWN IF ANYONE STAGEDOVE!

The band took off with German Hardcore legend, Patrick Kitzel, who was cool enough to come from Syracuse to hang out. He just put out the debut release by WORLD COLLAPSE. They could be the biggest band on rock radio if pushed properly. Good luck to them and good luck to Patrick in his quest to build a hardcore army to eliminate weird hair kids.

I stayed back at the club to do some work. I got done doing my stuff pretty early and walked a few blocks down the road to a real cool shoe spot. I had gone there before on the Hatebreed / Killswitch Engage tour in December. I ended up getting the new Jordan V retro release. If I would have known what was going to happen later, I might not have dropped $140 on a pair of shoes that I already own in a multitude of other colorways.

The Warriors couldn’t make the show because they “couldn’t get up a hill.” Are you serious? That was the best they could come up with? Their absence did not stop the show from being AWESOME! This was easily the best show I have ever seen in Poughkeepsie!

During load out, I lost my cell phone. Now, I lose my cell phone everyday, but this time, I REALLY LOST IT. Not like how Buske loses things, freaks out, and then finds them 10 minutes later, like I actually lost it.

At 4 a.m. The Poughkipsee Police Department called Nick (who was the last person who called me) and told him that someone turned my phone in. I called the Police in the morning to ask when I could come and pick it up, here is what I got, “Pick it up? You can’t pick it up until Monday! It’s in evidence!”

Evidence? What? Did my phone assault someone? Poughkeepsie is weird. If it didn’t birth All Out War, I would write it off completely. So, I don’t have a cellphone anymore. Now, I really have an excuse for not answering. To anyone I normally sex message with, just be patient.

Terror Tour 1/25/2007

We got to Pittsburgh and it was freezing! Snow was coming down hard. We got the privilege of loading up a few flights of stairs (that is an unfortunate pattern on this tour.) A good amount of kids braved the elements and had fun with all the bands. Terror hasn’t played Pittsburgh since Sept. 2004, so it was definitely good to be back.

The club served gigantic pitchers of beer. Doug drank 2 of them. Fuck the Steelers.

Terror Tour 1/24/2007

“This is for you CLEVELAND! Aghhhhhh…….” During the 4 hour drive, It started to snow. Of course it did, we were in Ohio. It was cool to be home for a few hours, although the only thing I saw was the inside of Peabodys. My mom was nice enough to come to the show. She is a huge Terror fan.

It looked like there was way more kids in the club then they claimed and of course they had 3,076 opening bands on 3 different stages. You have to love Peabody’s! Jokes aside, it really is the best place to see a midsized hardcore show in Cleveland, though. Kids went wild during the bands. It was definitely a horseshoe crowd, but that didn’t stop everyone from stagediving. How did no one break their neck?

Afterwards, Cleveland Hardcore legends, Frank 3 Gun Novinec and The Human Furnace took us to a Buffalo Wild Wings that served food until 2:30 am. If only they had hookers it would be better than Montreal! It was the first time Frank and Scott had talked since Frank quit Terror to join Hatebreed last year. I’m glad that they could put everything aside and realize why they were friends for 15 years in the first place. Frank and Furnace were in classic form all night. They were buying insane amounts of shots, beers, and anything else that will make a person drunk. Furnace put 10 bucks in the jukebox and in seconds DIO was blasting throughout the place!

Some weird girl was lurking all of us, so I went over and talked to her. She said I was adorable. I told her that she was old enough to be my mother. She followed with, “You were good looking until you opened your mouth..” I have a few ex girlfriends that would agree.

Being that I am the ultimate Ringworm fan, I picked the Furnace’s brain for a while about what we can expect from their new material. He compared it to early Kreator. Frank 3 Gun has been involved in the writing process, so I think we can all expect another classic! Ringworm can do no wrong.

Everyone got really drunk (except Nick and I, we just got fat) and then we went and crashed at a Days Inn. I was 10 minutes from my house and I never made it home.

Little Known Furnace Fact: He loves Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters

Terror Tour 1/23/2007

We stayed in Detroit after the previous show, got up early and started driving. After driving for 1 mile, we got pulled over by 2 separate minivans full of undercover Detroit Police officers. They came over to the passenger side which was really bad news because that is where Misha sits.

"Where you guys headed?"

"A show", Misha said staring at the ground in a mumbled tone.

"What kind of show?"

"A hardcore show", Misha said and annunciated it as if he had marbles in his mouth.

"A what?"

"A HARDCORE SHOW!" Misha yelled.

Listen, unless you listen to hardcore, you don't know what it is. Undercover police officers in Detroit who pull you over because you are a van pulling a huge trailer and you have 8 sketchy looking dudes (one of them being black) riding in it, definitely don't know or care what it is. Misha is the WORST person to be talking to any authority figure. When the officer momentarily left the window, a chorus of "SHUT UP, LET NICK TALK", erupted from everyone else.

The officers came back and asked us what kind of drugs we had on board and if a drug dog would be able to find anything even if it was just a roach. That reminds me about the time Zack found a roach in the bathroom and Screech wanted to add it to his bug collection. Dustin Diamond is just so wacky! What is wackier is that he now does dirty sanchez films. What is even wackier is that one time we got pulled over in a similar situation, they actually brought the drug dog, and Rin Tin Tin couldn't detect that someone who was riding with us had Peruvian flake hidden in their shoe.

Back to present day: They did a brief trailer search and asked Nick what kind of music they played. He said it was like Pantera, and the officer said, "FUCK YEAH!". We were released, but I still don't know what we were pulled over for.

We finally got to Arlington Heights, IL at a Knights Of Columbus Hall. It seemed like a recipe for disaster but, It was the best show of the tour so far! Over 450 kids crammed into the stageless club and sweated it out together.

Misha asked if all the older men who were working at the club were priests. We asked him why and his response was, "Well, it's a Knights of Columbus Hall."

Do you see what I am dealing with? Do you understand why I am irritable when you call me?

After the show, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings! The manager took a liking to us and gave us a lot of inside information about owning a franchise. We are only 2 million dollars away from having our very own

Terror Tour 1/22/2007

After 1 hour of sleep, we got in the van and headed towards Detroit, MI. Nick noticed tons of smoke coming out of the trailer. We pulled over but couldn't really see what was wrong with it. We started driving again and it just kept getting worse. We found the cause of the problems was that the bearings in the trailer tire were just shot! Metal was just rubbing on Metal and making a mess. The wheel had almost completely fallen off. That could have been a real catastrophe. Anytime something like that happens it just scares you. So many bands have wrecked, had all their possessions burn to the ground(Buske), or gotten killed from these kind of accidents.

We found a trailer repair shop in the phone book but got lost on the way to the place. At a traffic light we asked Misha to ask a parallel car where the highway was. Misha rolled down his window and then just stared at the person and then looked back at all of us with defeat on his face exclaiming, "His window is up." No shit, it was 18 fucking degrees out.

Eventually we found the repair shop. We dropped the trailer and went out for lunch at Applebee's. How fucking disgusting is that place? GROSS. The only reason people go there is for half price appetizers and even those suck. This wasn't any ordinary Applebee's though, this Applebee's was GHETTO. The waiter was terrible and was just sweating bullets. He was bringing out one drink at a time and taking 5 minutes in between each delivery. Some people's food eventually arrived but a few of us had nothing sitting in front of us. We asked the waiter what happened to our food and he looded directly at us and said, "FUCK!" That is how you know you are in good hands and dining in a professional atmosphere. I think the waiter was on ecstasy. Wait, does anyone still do ecstasy in 2007? Remember when Brandon Walsh did Euphoria with Emily Valentine? He was all laid out on the hood of the car? The guy that they bought it from just had a big "4" on his shirt and that is how you knew what he was selling. Shit was amazing! Anyways, we overheard the manager walk into the back room saying, "Everything all right back there, Ya'll look lost." Yes, they were.

The trailer took a few hours to fix. We learned about regular trailer maintenance in order to avoid sketchy situations like that in the future. By the time it was ready to go, Nick had to drive crazier than normal just to make it to Detroit for our set time. On the drive, buske had to defecate and said, "Come On! My asshole!" It sounded like he said, "Cum on my asshole". It was weird.

We got to The Magic Stick about 8:30 and had to load up 2 flights of stairs and push through all the kids with our gear. Great times. A homeless guy came up to us and told us he was the hottest rapper in Detroit and that he was the next 50 cent. That would mean he was extremely wealthy, sells .

I have never been to The Magic Stick before and it was a very pleasant surprise. It had the quintessential layout for a hardcore show. Perfect size stage, nice sized room, cool atmosphere. The show was great. Kids were everywhere. Detroit has a legendary scene and it is one of the few places where there are equal amounts old sketchy tattooed dudes and young mesh short wearing emaciated children. The girls in Detroit are beautiful too, they all look like they could beat me up, which is definitely something I look for.

After the show we had free bowling and Pizza at the bar downstairs. All the bands hung out and bowled alongside a great cross-section of locals. You had punk rockers, gangsters, booty shakin' girls, skinny hardcore tweakers, and gay black men.

I think the pizza really fucked my world up. While bowling, my stomach just started to turn into knots and I felt that my intestines were going to burst out of me, "Alien" style. I ran to the bathroom and wouldn't you know it, there was puke all over the toilet seat and no door. How can you shit without a door? I told my boy "Lisp" about the dilemma and he took me to some secret bathroom in the club nextdoor. We get over there and of course it is locked. He has pull in Detroit so we got the key, and not a minute to soon. Before I was even over the seat, I had projectile diarrhea shooting out of my ass. It was ugly. On the drive to the motel, I almost had to shit in a plastic bag. That would have been uglier. I stayed very near to the bathroom all night.

Terror Tour 1/21/2007

We had a 3 ½ hour drive to Sauget, MO. The band had played the venue before on Sounds of The Underground. We were playing in the smaller room this time. The best part of the club was that they had 10 televisions all playing the AFC and NFC divisional championships! This was something I was hoping I would be able to see, and thankfully I was able to. The Patriots and Colts game contained one of the better second halves of football I have ever seen in my life! Tom Brady threw a last minute interception. Oh well, the dude still has fucked Bridget Moynahan and is now bashing Gisele Bundchen.

ONCE AGAIN, during Terror, Security starts throwing kids out for stagediving! If that is your club policy, then everyone will abide by that…BUT you have to inform people of such things. Clubs have no problem booking a hardcore show, no problem taking your money, but they really know nothing about it other than the word "hardcore" can bring 300 people to middle of nowhere Missouri on a Sunday. This day, the altercation got a little more heated with the band leaving the stage and going at it with the owners and security. There must not be mush to do in Sauget, because 7 police officers were at the club with riot batons in less than 5 minutes.

The band was allowed to finish their set as long as kids quit jumping off the stage. Everything ended up being chill, and some of the security guards even bought Terror cds. After the show, the band hung out backstage with our new and very young friends in Stick To Your Guns and exchanged stories about beating up French Canadians in McDonalds bathrooms.

We crammed 8 dudes into a motel room so we could get a few hours of sleep before we had to start driving again at 6:30 am. We all watched 2 episodes of "Intervention". What a crazy show? Have you seen the one where the lady drinks 15 mini bottles of Smirnoff a day? She was wild style. After that, Scott, Martin, and I thought it would be a really good idea to just stay up all night and listen to the old Chubby Fresh phone calls to Snapcase and Earth Crisis. Listen carefully, and you will hear Scott Sprigg bring Scott Vogel into the conversation for no reason. We all got a good laugh out of it, even though we could have gotten beaten up "very badly".

Misha's quote of the day – "Fuck Dr. Seuss!"

People beefing for the 3^rd day in a row playlist:

Fergie – The Dutchess (If "Clumsy" isn't the 3^rd single, I quit life).

Terror Tour 1/20/2007

We didn't factor in a time change, so we were actually going to be running late for load in. What do you do in this situation? You call in a ringer. Nick Jett took the wheel and we flew across icy highways, passed salt trucks, and all the other bands at extremely high speeds.

There was a severe ice storm in Springfield leaving 40% of the town without power. Trees were all over the road and thrown across front yards. Tons of houses had collapsed roofs.. An eerie sight for sure. With that going on, we didn't expect much from the show; however, we were definitely proved wrong. There was a great turnout for a place that Terror had never played.

The first 4 bands played and the kids were definitely into it. Terror started playing and once again kids were being thrown out for stagediving. Security was going on stage and pushing people off (which is normally the real reason kids get hurt). The soundguy gets onstage (which kind of defeats the purpose of having a soundguy) and starts doing the same thing. Eventually they get thrown off the stage by somebody and threaten to call the police and shut the show down if people didn't stop "bumrushing" the stage. I don't think that stagediving is a necessity to have a good hardcore show, but I do feel that hardcore can police its' own. For awhile it definitely looked like someone in the band would be arrested, but everything turned out ok. The club apologized and the kids were really excited about the energy of the show.

Afterwards, we went to Terror's favorite place…BUFFALO WILD WINGS! We held a show afterparty there and about 40 kids came out to enjoy fried and flavored chicken. How good is Asian Zing?

Misha didn't do anything too dumb on this day.

Terror Tour 1/19/2007

Terror Tour 1/19/07

I woke up as an icicle in the van, and then made my way to the motel room. I stepped over 6 bodies that were sprawled across the floor and fell back asleep for a few hours. Eventually we made our way over to the club. Buske had flown in from New York so we played "catch up" with him for awhile. Lucky prick missed out on a 16 hour drive!

Upon arrival to the club, I had 17 boxes of merch to go through. First day of tour is always the best! The band actually sound checked (which never happens), and made up a new setlist.

The Warriors, All Shall Perish, War of Ages, and Stick to Your Guns all arrived. We have toured with The Warriors before so it was definitely cool to see them again. We didn't know any of the other bands, so we talked with them until doors opened.

The show was great until Terror played and they tried to enforce a no stage diving policy (that will become a trend). Eventually that got taken care of and the remainder of the show went off without a hitch.

After the freezing cold and drunken load out (myself excluded), we drove back to the motel to take showers before we drove 12 hours to Missouri. Yes, a 16 hour drive followed by a 12. Seriously, awesome! On the ride, Buske tried to convince the rest of us that Campfire was good. The dude definitely has Syracuse pride.

I asked everyone what they would do if they saw me murdered. I just wondered if they would stick to the G code, or testify to bring my killer to justice. Most people just said they would have the assailant killed. I don't really know what I would want if that actually happened. Misha said he would torture the person and cut their "Hakilles" Tendon. Yes, "Hakilles" Tendon. That was his quote of the day.

We ate very old rotisserie hot dogs at 7/11 and started driving. Nick made it about an hour before he started exclusively driving on the other side of the road. I then took over. A few hours into the drive, I looked over and Misha was profusely bleeding out of his nose. He was just sitting there and doing nothing about it. It thoroughly creeped me out! Then he takes his pillow and just starts gushing blood all over it! What an absolute fucking weirdo, and I do mean that in the best way possible.

12 hour icy drive playlist:

Jay-Z – Kingdom Come
Jay-Z – The Blueprint
All Out War – For those who were Crucified
Underdog – The Vanishing Point
Jedi Mind Tricks – Servants in Heaven, Kings in Hell
Various songs from: Oasis, Justin Timberlake, Integrity, Kiss, Alice in Chains, The Clash, Metallica, Ludacris, Scarface, Bun-B, Beastie Boys, Joy Division, Etc.

Terror Tour 1/18/2007

I got up at 6:30 and began going through the trailer. We sorted that all out and we started our 16 hour trek to Colorado Springs, CO for the kickoff of Terror's first ever full U.S headlining tour. It took us a whopping 35 minutes before we were all ready to get out of the van so we stopped at Dell Taco. Although, I like Taco Bell better and don't understand French fries at a fast food Mexican chain, Dell is an acceptable substitute for D grade dog meat wrapped in a deep-fried shell.

On the drive, we made fun of Misha (Nick's weird 19 year old Russian drum tech) for asking if Colorado Springs was in the state of Denver. In between the constant Misha berating, we talked about John Brown and his ghetto revival and contemplated on whether we truly felt he was the 'King of the Burbs'. G Child's dance moves obviously followed next in conversation. She really thought that is what sealed the deal? That of course led into how bummed out everyone was that New York voted off "Romance". What a CREEP!

About 8 hours in, we all started going to sleep; except Nick or we would be dead. I took a stagedive (lying on the floor of the van, between the 2 benches.) I watched a few episodes of The Office season 1 (Michael Scott is a great racist) before very uncomfortably passing out.

I woke up a few hours later and my feet felt like how Mr. Deeds' feet looked. It was not warm in there. Lying in a strange position on the floor of a van going through the mountains does weird things to your body. Both of my arms and both of my legs were asleep and I couldn't bend my neck. By the time we got to the motel, I was too shot to even go in. I just moved up to a bench and went to sleep for the night (or day.).

Yes, Nick drove the entire 16 hours, making me question what Misha is even here for.