Terror Tour 2/11/2007

Terror Tour 2/11/2007

After an exhausting night of animal porn, I awoke to Misha exclaiming, "FUCK!" Yes, I share a bed with Misha on occasion. His nickname used to be "Freesha Ownbed" due to his penchant for never paying for anything and being a bed hog. I guess he was upset because he needed to deposit money in the bank but realized it was Sunday. We told him that you can just go up to the ATM and deposit money into it. Moments later, we noticed Misha putting money into a business sized envelope and asking us, "So all you have to do is write your name on it? How do they know it's yours? I don't want to do this I don't really trust machines."

I don't know what is scarier, thinking that you can just put a business size envelope with the name MISHA scrawled on it in crayon into an ATM and expect it to somehow magically find your account or believing that machines are going to take over the earth and they should not be trusted.

I know that Cyberdyne Laboratories are up to no good and that Skynet became self aware on August 29, 1997 and attempted to wage a nuclear war with mankind. Here is the good news though, Misha: we have John Conner on our side, and I expect by the year 2029 for him to have successfully won the war against our mechanical enemies.

We began our 12 hour drive to Seattle and made it ¼ mile down the road and had to stop for food. We went to Carl's JR. (Hardees for my Midwest/Eastcoast family). Buske is on the fakest diet ever. If eating mint chocolate chip milkshakes at Carl's and then trying to buy ice cream every 2 hours at gas station stops is dieting, then he is doing a smashup job.

Misha didn't stop at Carl's. He went to Taco Bell because you can buy stuff for 99 cents there. One time Misha charged 99 cents on a credit card. The previous night in the motel room, Buske told Misha that the ONLY good thing he has going for him is that he is a "cheap bastard".

Misha got a double decker taco. I didn't know they still made those things. I remember when they first came out though Hakeem Olaujawan and Shaquille O'Neal were featured in the commercials. They were supposed to play a 1 on 1 Pay-Per View televised pickup game at the Taj Mahal in Las Vegas. It never happened. Why did I include this? I just wanted you to know that I have a vast knowledge of things that are dumb, scare girls away, and get me nowhere.

During the tumultuous van ride, BIG DOUG did a strong amount of farting. When someone farts, everyone makes the usual "ughhhhh" noises and puts their shirts over their noses, but the strange part comes when the people who haven't gotten the scent of the fart start taking long drawn out and gigantic breaths of air up their nose to confirm that said fart smells disgusting. I think we can just take the other 5-6 people who have already smelled the odor's word for it from here on out.

We stopped at a Red Robin in Boise, ID for dinner because Texas Roadhouse had an hour wait. Our very large waitress tried to solicit us her phone number. However, she never specified to whom she wanted to give it. She also kept saying, "Rock and Roll," which sucked. I guess she would have gotten plowed by any or all of us. Too bad we weren't staying in Boise for the night.

Nick Jett drives very fast. I will not lie, sometimes it is scary. There was a rain coming down and we were going through mountains but he was still going 90. Adding to the danger of the conditions, we are pulling thousands of pounds of equipment, or L B's if you are Patrick Kitzel, for example: "a 1 / 4 L B Burger" which would be pronounced, "A one four ell bee burger." I love ESL's.

At a gas station stop, I told him that I was frightened for my life and he should just slow down. 20 minutes later he was going 90 again and asked if it was ok because it was no longer raining. This continued throughout the day, with Nick texting while driving down 6% downgrades. Buske made some phone calls to say his final goodbyes. BIG DOUG awoke from his slumber and buckled in, and I turned around to look at Scott. I don't know why I wanted Scott Vogel to be the last thing I saw before I died, I just thought it would be better to look at him than watch us fly off of a cliff.

Nick caught wind of our scared whispers in between his 7 hours of phone calls that he took throughout the day, and really took it the wrong way. He was very upset that we were criticizing his driving and told us he is the safest driver of the lot. He said that he is scared when anyone else drives. I understand being scared of anything that Misha does, but Scott and I drive 45 mph on an open road.

Do you know how sometimes when you drive for an extended amount of time throughout the night you become delusional? I think Nick was suffering from such a condition. We made nice with Nick, but it was still frightening. On a side note, Nick does 95% of the driving and we definitely do appreciate him and all he does for Terror, which is immeasurable.

On a gas station stop, Misha bought some Lance brownies for 25 cents. Earlier in the day he refused to buy them because they were 75 cents. He said they reminded him of the brownies he used to eat in high school. So he is recounting memories of 2 weeks ago, I guess. He is the craziest eater ever. He gets so excited and just starts smiling from ear to ear. When questioned on what the brownies tasted like, Misha said, "They taste like a fucking …like a fucking, um good ass brownie." The Wu said it best, "Can it be all so simple?"